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Jun 18, 2017

News: God Damn It; 2017-18 Season Sign Ups are Underway / Schedules Released

- MBA HEADQUARTERS - NEW YORK, NY

Sorry to cut your summer short, but the Mediocre Bowling Association in conjunction with the Boston and Lancaster chapters are proud to announce that the 2017-18 season sign ups are available to prospective members. Also, the chapter schedules have been released for all to groan over.

"We can tell you off the bat that just about all the events will be played on a Sunday." league CEO Dan Derwin said while drinking an adult beverage. "We can also guarantee that the MBA World Tour will probably be on a Saturday." he added. Take a quick look at the three chapter's schedules below. Also of note, the MBA World Tour will be played this year in lovely Boston Massachusetts on Saturday April 21st, 2018. We hope to see as many of you bastards up there as possible.

Tell your friends and your wives. The Staten Island chapter hit their cap last year so dont wait to sign up. If you would like to start your OWN chapter in a particular area, CLICK HERE, or just drop us an email  if you're lazy at thembastinks@gmail.com - You may now resume your summer vacation!

STATEN ISLAND (All events to be played at Rabs Country Lanes at 4pm)

SUNDAY SEPT. 10TH, 2017 - MBA CHAPTER INVITATIONAL

SUNDAY OCT. 22ND, 2017 - SWEETNESS OPEN

SUNDAY NOV. 19TH, 2017 - KNOCK’EM BACK MASTERS

SUNDAY DEC. 17TH, 2017 - GREAT DIVIDE

SUNDAY JAN. 14TH, 2018 - CAUCASIAN OPEN

SUNDAY FEB. 18TH, 2018 - T.D.K. MEMORIAL TOURNAMENT

SUNDAY MAR. 18TH, 2018 - ROY L. MUNSON CHAPTER CHAMPIONSHIP, MEDIOCRE CUP FINALS, HONORABLE MUNSON WILD CARD

BOSTON (All events to be played at Brunswick Bowl at 12pm)

SEP. 10TH, 2017 - MBA CHAPTER INVITATIONAL

OCT. 22ND, 2017 - SWEETNESS OPEN

NOV. 19TH, 2017 - KNOCK’EM BACK MASTERS

DEC. 10TH, 2017 - GREAT DIVIDE

JAN. 14TH, 2018 - CAUCASIAN OPEN

FEB. 11TH, 2018 - T.D.K. MEMORIAL TOURNAMENT

MAR. 11TH, 2018 - ROY L. MUNSON CHAPTER CHAMPIONSHIP, MEDIOCRE CUP FINALS, HONORABLE MUNSON WILD CARD

LANCASTER (All events to be played at Rocky Springs Lanes)

SUNDAY SEPT. 10TH, 2017 - MBA CHAPTER INVITATIONAL

SUNDAY OCT. 22ND, 2017 - SWEETNESS OPEN

SUNDAY NOV. 19TH, 2017 - KNOCK’EM BACK MASTERS

SUNDAY DEC. 17TH, 2017 - GREAT DIVIDE

SUNDAY JAN. 14TH, 2018 - CAUCASIAN OPEN

SUNDAY FEB. 18TH, 2018 - T.D.K. MEMORIAL TOURNAMENT

SUNDAY MAR. 18TH, 2018 - ROY L. MUNSON CHAPTER CHAMPIONSHIP, MEDIOCRE CUP FINALS, HONORABLE MUNSON WILD CARD

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Apr 30, 2017

Wrap Up: Celis Climbs MBA World Tour Mountain and Lives

MBA HEADQUARTERS – NEW YORK, NY

What do you get when you get 36 of the worlds most mediocre bowlers under one roof? The answer is 36 of the worlds most mediocre bowlers under one roof.

The first annual MBA World Tour had multiple representatives from the Boston, Lancaster, and Staten Island chapters. The event took place at Staten Island’s home base, Rabs Country Lanes. “I’ve heard of Manhattan, but what the hell is Hylan Blvd?” asked a very confused Beth Hubbard. After many wrong directions were punched into the GPS, things got underway.

 The gang is all here

The first event was the MBA Chapter’s Cup. All 3 chapters would go nose to nose to nose to see who would take home the chalice with the highest two game average. Staten Island had the numbers with a few people leading the way. Jimmy Ciccone averaged 162 while Dan Derwin, Geoff Celis, Sean Kuhl had averages in the mid 150’s.The hometown group finished with a combined average of 127.8. Boston had 2017 Munson Cup Champion Mark Capone and Maureen Dunton reach averages of 156 and 153 respectively. Boston would finish with a combined average of 128.2. Lancaster, with only 4 people in tow, would do just enough to take the chalice back to Amish Country. Chapter leader Mike McDonnell would average a 156 with Louie Valencia finishing with a 129. That would be enough as they would squeak by Boston with a 128.8 average. “I can’t believe we still won even though I threw a 96 in my first game!” said Lancaster’s 2017 Munson Cup champion Jen Trachok. There was no word on what they would do with the cup, but league sources say we can expect to see it on display at American Bar & Grill.

 

The Chapter's Cup is headed back to Lancaster. Whatever

With these results in hand, the players who finished in the top 8 were headed to the MBA World Tour bracket. The bottom 8 were headed to the Gutter Gauntlet. The rest were thrown violently into the Mediocre Melee.

 

Joe and his Bowl

The Gutter Gauntlet had 7 women and 3 men playing one game. Joe Seluga finished 3rd from the bottom in the Chapter’s Cup standings, but he would not be denied in his final competition of the 2016-17 season. With a 149, he took home “The Bowl”. “Of course he won he’s a guy” said Melissa Roche. She should be proud, though. With 13 gutters in one game, she really was the DEFINITITION of gutter. She would break Shari Gessin’s playoff record of lowest score with 25. It is also the lowest score EVER thrown breaking Kathleen Houston’s 26 thrown at the 2014 Sweetness Open.

 

The total amount we had to give the front desk at the start of the tournament. THIS IS NO ACCIDENT

The Mediocre Melee had the middle 20 people playing one game as well. Kris Mork, who was a Munson Cup finalist for the Staten Island chapter, bowled a 171 and took home the inaugural AtlASS. “Well, there is no trophy more fitting for myself.” Mork would say to the press afterwards. Joabi Leflar bowled a 150 for the closest to score to Mork’s.

 

Kris Mork politely showing off his trophy with Lancaster competitor Joabi Leflar

Finally, the MBA World Tour Championship bracket was set. Ciccone vs Rogers, Celis vs Dunton, Capone vs Derwin, McDonnell vs Kuhl. By the end of round 1, and In some kind of cosmic rationale, the left lane completely eliminated the right lane. “Actually, it just seems like the top 4 seeds took care of business and snuffed out the bottom 4 seeds.” Ciccone would say in a complete moment of clarity.

The Boston chapter was nice enough to bring donuts that we could already buy here.

Round 2 had a one close game where handicaps were once again brought to a debate. Mark Capone would have beat Mike McDonnell 160 to 157 if McDonnell didn’t have a 9 handicap. “Those are the rules of the road.” He would say as the two embraced in a handshake. Boston’s chapter leader Maria Crooker would later say that Capone complained during the entire drive back home.

Staten Island's George Karyczak thrown into the fire bowling with the Boston chapter

With both McDonnell and Celis advancing to the final, it was time to crown the absolute greatest mediocre bowler on the planet. McDonell finished off a strong day with a 161 in his 5th and final game of the tournament, but Celis would not be denied. Throwing the greatest game of his life, a 217 would seal the deal. His 213 scratch score shatters retired Staten Island chapter member Justin Krstinic’s playoff record of 188 in the 2014 Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship and ties Mike Dillon’s 213 all time highest score ever thrown from the 2013 Great Divide. “I’m at a loss for words.” Celis would tell the press during his post tournament pizza binge. “Using my dad’s ball and bowling 5 strong games is the greatest way to close out a great season.

 

He does

What a way to close out our 5th anniversary season. Thanks to everyone for coming to this grand event, and especially thanks to you all for hanging out with us each Fall through Spring to make this league the greatest bowling league of all time. Enjoy the summer and we’ll see you in September!

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Feb 1, 2017

League Officially Announces Its Largest Competition Yet: The MBA World Tour

MBA HEADQUARTERS – NEW YORK, NY

 FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Mediocre Bowling Association in conjunction with its three (drunken) functioning chapters are proud to announce a major conspiring of bad bowling competitions on the world stage. On Saturday April 22nd, 2017, Earth Day, all members of the Association are welcome to participate in the league’s first MBA World Tour at Rab’s Country Lanes in Staten Island, NY.

 “We always said that once we had more than one chapter, we would have a competition that would pit them against each other.” MBA CEO Dan Derwin told the press while inside of Fortune Cookie’s Restaurant. “It took 5 seasons for it to come to fruition, but here we are.”

 Moments before the announcement

While chapters will be celebrating their best respective players in the March playoffs, the league felt they could do one better and have players from all over finally meet and defeat the bowlers they’ve only read about online.

 

The debut of the completely finished and beautiful MBA World Tour logo

While specifics on the exact competitions while be announced shortly, here is what the league is ready to announce today:

 

  • THE DATE AND LOCATION – Pretty obvious. We figure the more notice, the better. Especially for those who’d be traveling out of town for it.

 

  • THIS EVENT WILL BE A BONUS TO THE REGULAR SEASON – While your membership covers the 1 preseason event, 5 regular season events, and the playoffs in March, the MBA World Tour will be separate.

 

  • THIS EVENT WILL CHANGE LOCATIONS YEARLY – We figured to have the first MBA World Tour in Staten Island where the original chapter has operated for 5 seasons. I’m sure there will be some bumps and the league would prefer to have it at their home base. We’re looking at either Boston or Lancaster for next year (maybe other chapters beyond.)

 

  • SEPARATE SIGN UPS AND NEW TROPHIES – We’d love to do this using the current cache of billions in the MBA trust account, but we blew it in Vegas and at Pugs. We will have a sign up form with a reasonable fee to ensure that everyone involved has the best time possible.

 

Keep an eye out in this space for the rest of the details including sign ups, competition themes, trophies, before and after parties, and hotel room blocks (if traveling from out of town or if you are just tired of living with your parents.)

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Dec 9, 2016

MBA Online Store Updates! Order By Sunday Night To Receive Before Christmas!

MBA HEADQUARTERS - NEW YORK, NY

The Mediocre Bowling Association put aside it's usual "Humbug" mentality and decided to give back to the "people" of earth. The league has announced today that their online store has been updated to feature ALL THREE chapter shirt designs as well as TWO color variations of the MBA league logo. The Staten Island chapter even has a 5th anniversary variation of their usual blue on orange color scheme.  "We figured if you were desperate to buy something for your loved one this holiday season, you can fool them into thinking you bought them a real gift." CEO Dan Derwin told the press via Skype while he microwaved Ramen Noodles like a savage.

Take a look at the image below for a quick browse of what you can pick up:


NOTE: If you place your order by THIS SUNDAY NIGHT (December 11th, 2016 by 11:59pm EST) - You will have your order in hand to wrap and shove into an unfortunate loved one's stocking before "Santa" makes an appearance. Swing by the store HERE!

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Sep 12, 2016

Expansion Continues: Lancaster, PA Launches Chapter In Time for 2016-17 Season

MBA HEADQUARTERS - NEW YORK, NY

The Mediocre Bowling Association is taking it's shitty talents to Amish country. Lancaster, Pennslvania will join the league in time for it's 5th anniversary season. They will join the newly minted Boston chapter as the MBA's latest expansion endevor.

Lancaster chapter leader Mike McDonnell after his stainless steel leg replacement surgery to help his bowling approach speed

"After being asked a few years back to start a chapter and not getting around to it, I decided that it was time to get the ball rolling (get it?)" chapter founder Mike McDonnell told the Amish Sports Press. "I've been in close contact with league officialls over the past few weeks and we figured out a way to get it done." He would continue to describe what he liked about the chapter's logo. "We somehow crammed Central Market, the Red Rose of Lancaster, and bowling pins into it while designing it into an Amish Hex." At press time, nobody knew what an Amish Hex was.

It's been a wild offseason for the MBA. Between working with two chapter leaders on expansion, changing league offices, to working out some new ideas for the 5th anniversary season. Co-czar Hillary Scott looked exausted when she addressed the media earlier this morning. "I'm going to lay down. Is Law & Order SVU on?" she said.

League CEO Hillary Scott moments before speaking to the press / post SVU

With less than a week to sign up, get off your ass and do so before it's too late. After all, you now have to keep your eye on 3 leaderboards to see if you are in fact the most mediocre bowler on planet earth.

Click here to JOIN NOW!

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Aug 15, 2016

MBA Expands to Boston; Chapter Begins Play In October

MBA HEADQUARTERS - NEW YORK, NY

What better way to kick off the 5th anniversary of the Mediocre Bowling Association than to expand upon it's cult like bowling status. The league is proud to announce in conjunction with the city of Boston, it's 2nd chapter in history!League officials bowling with the future members of the MBA Boston chapter back in June at PRB Asbury Park.

"We bowled right next to the league officials during the Punk Rock Bowling Tournament in Asbury Park this past June and were just enamored with their ability to bowl like complete shit, but drinking like true champions of the sport." Boston chapter founder Maria Crooker said to the press. "We figured we would be able to do the same thing in our home town as well."

17 people have signed up for the expansion chapter to date. Crooker feels like this is just the beginning (maybe because it is.) "We feel that we will get more people to join as word spreads around our local bars and alleys." At press time, we couldnt confirm whether she meant "Bowling Alleys" or "Alleyways," 

An unconfirmed photo of some guy named Tom from New England bowling. It's presumed he will join the new MBA Boston chapter.

Since the announcement of expansion, some members have been wondering whether or not there will be an additional competition that puts both chapters against each other. "No comment at this time." was all we could get out of Commissioner Dan Derwin. He then oddly winked, snapped his fingers, and pointed at the sky like he completed a touch down. He then added "What is the weather like up in Boston around April?"

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Jun 17, 2016

MBA Places THIRD in 2016 Punk Rock Bowling Tournament

- Asbury Park, NJ

When league officials submitted a list of names to participate in the 2016 Punk Rock Bowling Tournament in Asbury Park, they hoped they’d have a shot to at least finish in the top 16….since there were 16 teams competing. But beyond all odds, by 2 pm the team (made up of Dan Derwin, Hillary Scott, Mike Calascibetta, and Sean Kuhl) would be taking their victory team photo on the lanes holding THIRD PLACE MEDALS!

 

The Dream Team 

“It is unbelievable.” Calascibetta said. “I’m going to drink in celebration and then pawn this to get toll money for my trip back to Queens.”

 

Wares peddling in full effect at PRB

The Misfits were blasting through the alley, the spiked belts were cutting people, and the gutter balls were aplenty. Three grueling games for a room full of punk rockers who aren’t used to being awake until at least noon. 

 Unfortunately, the MBA team were placed on a lane directly next to the Mother Pugs Saloon, who's team consisted of MBA league members since Pugs owner KC Wonsowicz was too lazy to source his own foursome of mediocre bowlers. Ryan Petersen, Todd Currier, George Karyczak, and Leigh Janicki represented Staten Island’s favorite dive bar for the day. When management was approached to fix this glaring distraction, the Pugs team was relocated to the other end of the alley. “We couldn’t take Todd complaining about the ball return wait cutting into his tiki bar time at the hotel.” Hillary Scott said. “Rumor has it, he picked up a 7-10 split...but we didn't see it, so we don't believe it.”

 If anyone recognizes this ass, please let us know (We think she's from LA?)

Despite some lane mixups The Mother Pugs Saloon team ended up as the runners up with a 4th place finish. 

 But back to the MBA, things weren’t looking good by the end of the first game. Derwin bowled a 111, while Kuhl was having trouble getting his ball to curve. “In typical fashion, I was sweating when the spot light was on me.” Kuhl said. “I’ll get over it and move on to thinking about the next season.”

 Punk rock zine snapping pictures of the beautiful White Russian Trophy

While the second and third games were much improved, they would miss out on second place by 1 pin! "Well isn't that the pits" League Commisioner Dan Derwin was heard saying drunkenly over cheese fries during the announcements. 

 Boston chapter in the future?! 

To celebrate, the teams DID end up in Todd Currier’s hotel pool, but alas the tiki bar was closed. A couple of tall boys around the pool would have to do. While they all began to dream about next year's PRB tournament (Vegas 2017, anyone?) they will have the rest of the summer to mentally prepare for what REALLY counts: The MBA's 5th season.

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May 27, 2016

MBA to Compete in 2016 Punk Rock Bowling Tournament: Asbury, NJ


MBA HEADQUARTERS – NEW YORK, NY

There is a first time for everything. This is one of those times. The Mediocre Bowling Association is proud to announce that they will have a team representing the league in this year’s Punk Rock Bowling tournament in its inaugural Asbury Park location this coming June!

League officials are just starting to get around to preparing for the MBA’s 5th season. With some surprises to be announced later this summer in celebration of the anniversary, the league’s participation in the PRB is one of the best.

MBA Co-Czars Dan Derwin & Hillary Scott will be captaining the team alongside 2013 Roy L. Munson Chapter Champion Mike Calascibetta and perennial regular season trophy winner Sean Kuhl. “Ever since the League’s inception, we hoped for representation at the Punk Rock Bowling Tournament,” Scott stated to the press. “But since Dan’s banned from Vegas, after that awful shark tank incident, we were starting to worry it would never happen.” “The PRB coming to Asbury Park this year is the best birthday gift the MBA could ask for.” Derwin contributed, obviously changing the subject.

Some other members of the MBA will be in the building representing the Mother Pugs Saloon team. They won’t get any recognition on this page as long as they are playing the roll of nemesis (so take that Todd Currier, Ryan Petersen, Mark Eadicicco and George Karyczak).

In addition to bowling, the weekend will feature tons of awesome bands over two days at the fest nearby (check out PRB's website for the full line up). We’ll be there all weekend and encourage everyone to come on down to the Jersey shore to cheer on your fellow members and show your MBA pride!

The tournament runs from 11am-2:30pm at the following address:

Bradley Bowl
1217 Main St
Bradley Beach, NJ 07720

Hope to see you there!

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May 1, 2016

Registration Opens Surprisingly Early For League That Can't Get Their Shit Together

MBA HEADQUARTERS - NEW YORK, NY

Well, you can't start too early. Registration for the Mediocre Bowling Association's 5th season is open!

Less than two months ago, a champion was crowned. We here at the MBA would like to forget about him already and MOVE ON!

Those who have bowled with us know what to expect. For those that are new, take a look around our website. We have player profiles, leaderboards, a rule book, all time high scores, trophies -- all for being mediocre!

Whether you'd like to join an existing chapter, or start one of your own (anywhere on planet earth), we look forward to having your pedestrian bowling skills sketched on the walls of MBA history.

Click HERE to join an existing chapter or HERE to start one! Here's to a very tepid 2016-17 season!

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Dec 10, 2015

League Opens Statistics Bureau, Leaderboard and Career Stats aplenty.

MBA Headquarters - New York, NY

After taking a peek into the league's financial records, CEO Dan Derwin deemed it appropriate to hire some mathemeticians for the arduous job of sifting through historical records of all members and events.. The Mediocre Bowling Association Statistics Bureau have tackled their first assignment given to them. Players can now check their profiles to see their all time career numbers. "We can't promise that you'll like what you see when it comes to players scores, but at least they can see them." Derwin said in front of a packed media room. "Rumor has it the mathematicians can be bribed, as well." Head to your chapter's page to check out your profile, along with other pertinent information HERE!

Bringing numbers back to the current day, the MBASB have finally rolled out the new leaderboard. Although members probably won't notice much of a difference, the Bureau has allowed for the leaderboards to be updated in a much easier way. Check out where you stand toward the bottom of your chapter page!

Over time, league events will have their own pages along with historial notes, unbreakable (probably breakable) records from years past. We're looking forward to working with the MBASB in the years ahead.

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