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Jan 31, 2013

Wrap Up: Donny Remembered at Inaugural Memorial Tourney

Staten Island, New York

Theodore Donald Kerabatsos was warmly remembered last Sunday at a bowling tournament in his honour. Bowlers all over the world hit the lanes to celebrate his life and the MBA SI Chapter gathered at Staten Island's Showplace Entertainment where Sharon Derwin tipped her cap to "Donny" by taking home the trophy dedicated to his memory.

The "Pour Donny Award" is annually awarded to the player who, by the event's conclusion, possesses the highest season average. Sharon, who was overcome with emotion, spoke to the media as she wiped tears from her eyes. "This means everything to me. I wanted to come for just enough games to qualify for this trophy," she said. "The wooden plaque and its metal display will really stand out on my mahogany armoire. I can only hope I made Donny proud today."

Sharon Derwin, mother to Daniel and David, poses with the event's championship hardware. Also pictured are dangling car keys, obviously anxious to leave.

While Sharon took home the first place hardware, Member #22 Jennifer Manger took home the coveted "Average" Average Award for the most mediocre season average to date (90.8). The award is a (FULL) can of Maxwell House coffee with its lid embossed in beautiful gold and complete with handles to hold high above the winner’s head.

Jennifer Manger for some reason posing with a can of Maxwell House coffee. Oh wait, it has handles and a gold top. It must be an MBA trophy! Congradulations!

"I had no idea I was even a contender!" Jennifer said in the parking lot afterwards. "My boyfriend (SI MBA member Carl Gallagher) and I bought our own bowling balls after the last event just hoping that we'd have an edge over the competition, but I never expected to win 80-90 cups of premium coffee!"

Also unexpected, was her sister, Jessica Galvin, blowing the doors off her career-high score with a 131. Not only did she beat her loving husband of several months, Brian Galvin, but she used Jennifer's new ball to get it done. "Magic, a whole lotta Magic" was how Jessica described her outstanding performance. 

"Horse shit!" was how Brian described it, "And steroids.”

"I've never bowled this well in 10 frames, let alone 6!" - Jessica Galvin: Pioneer

The day had originally started with a brunch at World Famous Lacey's Bridge Tavern. Maggi Weaver organized the breakfast in order to throw a (more) drunken curveball into the bowling tournament. "I bowl my best games drunk, so I figured if we got an early head start, we'd have an edge," Maggi told MBA HQ via Hologram. "And if we didn't have an edge, then we wouldn't remember anyway."

One of the biggest stories of the day belonged to Member #5 Sean Kuhl, of Westerleigh origin. After bowling a 63 in the 5th frame, Sean rattled off 5 (!) strikes in a row to finish off game one with an MBA high score (and personal lifetime high score) of 209. Grumbling started throughout the crowd and, an obviously impaired, Todd Currier took matters into his own hands yelling, 3 inches from Mr. Kuhl's face, that he was "OUTTA HERE!" 

A pregame meal for Maggi Sue Weaver. Sara Frank also appears to be hungry, which would explain her AWOL status for the TDK.

Although Mr. Currier was in the right to warn the surging Mr. Kuhl, Chapter leaders broke up the scuffle by citing MBA rule #325.a - that a player cannot exceed a 140 average by seasons END, and since another event remains Mr. Kuhl's performance was concerning but not exile-worthy.

"I don't care. I joined this league because its mediocre! He should pack his shit" Todd elaborated. 

But the rags to riches (or should we say, riches to rags) story wasn't over yet. In his second game, a quiet "boo" whispered by Eric Ornstein unhinged Sean's concentration enough to land his last throw in the gutter. His final score of 88, in glaring contrast to his earlier victory, resulted in foul language and startling behavior. Furious, Sean threw his phone onto a nearby tray of food and beer, splashing everyone within 5 feet. As Sean picked up his broken cell phone from the floor, families from nearby lanes walked by looking on in disgust.

"At least I'll most likely place in the top 7 for the playoffs" Sean said with a smile.

NON-member Justin Edward Marino tries to bowl with the big boys and girls and ends up with two left shoes. "I deserve this" he was quoted afterwards.

Meanwhile, as MBA CEO Dan Derwin was exiting the restroom he was accosted by Todd Currier with a black glove, slapped across his face, lower back, and rear. Mr. Currier, and his posse representing M.E.S.S (Mediocre Equality Standing Strong), officially announced their plans to protest the MBAs Caucasian Open taking place next month citing alleged "oppression towards minorities." 

Co-CEO Hillary Scott has controversially joined M.E.S.S. in the protest, who announced they will hold their own bowling event next month on an adjacent lane from “The Open.” Her involvement is now a point of contention for Mr. Derwin as an example of the organizations flip-flopping, since she is white. Ms. Scott has claimed that she has no qualms against the use of the term "Caucasian" but is mostly in it for her love of Latin music.

More on this story as it unfolds.


Other notables for the evening included:

*Melissa Roche won her very first Gutter Trash Award throwing an astounding 17 gutter balls. Ms. Roche fended off a usual suspect, Heather O'Shea (14), as well as a newcomer to the fight Maggi Sue Weaver (12). "My mom will be so proud that I won something," Melissa said at the post game presser. "It is becoming just as hard to win this award as it is to win the ones that people respect," Maggi added.

Melissa uses her Gutter Trash trophy as a makeshift cell phone. Whatever floats your boat lady.

*Mike Cruz holds the 7th and final Playoff Spot (for now) with a 122.5 average.  “Knock'Em Back Masters” winner Mike Calascibetta, sits in 8th place only a few decimal points away with a 122.2, but has just as much of a chance as the other 27 people in the chapter. "I don't want to be lumped in with those losers," Mr. Calascibetta told the MBA via email. "I still have one more event to boost my average and knock somebody out above me". The final event will indeed cause some shuffling in the standings, as many of the members in the top 7 have close averages.

*Sean Kuhl, after his legendary 209 game, followed it with a score of 88. Although Mr. Kuhl was furious, he jumped from 8th to 3rd place in just one event. He can still drop a few spots, but in all likelihood will hold onto a first round bye in the Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship. 

*Multiple sources confirm a story that "Lane 26 Representative" Eric Ornstein was sobbing in front of CO-CEO Hillary Scott about almost winning the "Average" Average Trophy. "I just wanted to win something," he supposedly told her. "I didn't care about it before, but after being so close I thought it would be my time." Jennifer Manger beat him out by 1 point to take home the Mediocre Gold. "That whole lane looks like it has a chance to take home the Gutter Trash," said Jenny, when approached about Mr. Ornstein's rumored breakdown.