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Mar 5, 2013

Wrap Up: Dillon and Comrades Dominate at the Caucasian Open

-Staten Island, U.S.S.R.

What the Caucasian Open is all about: Pardi Gras

The White Russian Trophy, by popular opinion, is a symbol of freedom, courage, and hard partying. But for those who attended the Staten Island Chapter's 2013 Caucasian Open, it only symbolized one thing: domination. "To have my name on this trophy, along with taking second place in The Sweetness Open in this MBA's inaugural season is a wonderful way to start my bowling career." Captain of "Team Hard Drugs" Mike Dillon told the media after the day's events. Dillon, along with his teammates, Mike Calascibetta, his bride-to-be Elizabeth Gaede, Dave Derwin, and Joe "The Anchor" Frontierre, took home this month's top prize.

For this event, the top 5 players on the leaderboard (Dillon, Krstinic, Kuhl, Janicki and Marotte) were designated captains and chose their teams from "Talent Brackets", talent being a term used VERY loosely. Brackets were based on members current positions on the leaderboard to ensure no team had too many ringers, each team had a member of all skill levels. Once the teams were chosen they then competed against each other to be the best lane of the evening.

The champions pose with a Stalin treasure. Wait, why is Jon Marotte in this picture. YOU LOST.

At one point during the first game, Ryan Petersen pointed out that both Dillon & Calascibetta were bowling in the 140's and showed his displeasure. "Yeah? You fuckin' serious?" he said while pointing at their scores. He didn't elaborate, but his point was felt across all of the other lanes. Dillon and company would go on to win both games 1 & 2 without much to look at in their rearview mirror. Joe Frontierre told the media as he was walking to his car that this was "...the easiest I've ever had to work for a championship" and also recommended to future participants that "The captains selecting their teams love to be reminded how great they are." and that "Playful tickling goes a long way". Mike Dillon refused to comment on the subject other than telling us that Joe was "Absolutely right".

Obviously, this photo is all about George Karyczak with his arms up,
waving enthusiastically to the two assholes in front flexing their muscles

Elsewhere, players were embracing the spirit of their teams. High fives were given and curses were spewn across lanes. James Felitti, a non-member, was spectating while sipping a few beverages of his own. "I like what I see, and I'll probably sign up next season," he said while wiping Kahlua from his lips. "The drinking is the easiest part". Shortly after this conversation, James was led out by MBA security for trying to smuggle the White Russian Trophy into his car using his flimsy sweatshirt. His membership request in the coming offseason will be seriously considered before being denied.

Patron Silver (Awarded to the M.E.S.S. champion), Dixie Chicks Compact Disc (Awarded to the M.E.S.S. disgrace), and a very masculine radio are seen on the M.E.S.S. Lane

One lane stood out amongst the herds, that of protest group M.E.S.S. (Mediocre Equality Standing Strong). The group led by "Sassy" Todd Currier, demonstrated at the event after a month of speaking out against the Open for being "racist". "I started this group and obviously have some great support," Currier told us during the first game while drinking a Brown Russian. "We have people of all backgrounds on this team, and plan on just doing our own thing, in peace. We aren't too concerned with the tournament happening around us." On the table at the S.A.S.S. lane, we spotted a pink radio blasting a static-ridden "How Bizarre" and other latin hits. Also, a bottle of Patron Silver and a Dixie Chicks CD, which were to be handed out to the lane's best and worst of the afternoon, respectively. "Hillary may have won the booze, but I FINALLY have 1999's Best Country Album Grammy winner!" said Mary Hanna, who, in an unexpected twist would also take home the Caucasian Open's Gutter Trash Award. "This is a cause I can believe in. Hopefully next year, the award will be "God Shuffled His Feet" by the Crash Test Dummies.

Team M.E.S.S. celebrate the only way they know: Without Class

Chapter Leader Dan Derwin presents M.E.S.S. / MBA member Mary Hanna with a middle finger. Oh, and the Gutter Trash Award to go with her Dixie Chicks CD for last place

While most eyes were on the event's Communist Cup, some players had worries beyond the day. Mike Cruz was seen talking to Chapter Leader Dan Derwin asking who "Mike Calascibetta" was. At game time, Cruz was only .3 points behind Calascibetta for the final playoff spot. "I'd like to know who I'm going to start a fight with before I actually do it" he told us via email. However, after a day spent on M.E.S.S.'s lane doing more drunken salsa than bowling, he would end up in 12th place overall - 5 spots out of the coveted "Top 7". "Now I'm just like everybody else in the Honorable Munson, just trying to survive."

George and "I'm here but don't bowl" Karen take sips of paint, I mean Vodka, from The White Russian

Next month, the top 7 will wait and watch everybody else in the chapter play a 1 game elimination, highest score wins the 8th seed in the Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship. Then, a playoff bracket will put the first overall contender against the Honorable Munson winner, second place vs seventh, and so forth. "I already have massive anxiety about this." Leigh Janicki posted on the Facebook event's page. The league anticipates a lot of commotion and shit talking during next months Chapter Championhip, with no shortage of alcoholic malaise. "Whether I'm in it or out of it, I plan on just talking all kinds of shit while rooting for the underdog" said Keith Parascandola. "as long as they're a fan of wresting."

Other notables for the evening included:

* With the final regular season event in the books, the list of people officially disqualified from making it past the Honorable Munson has gone viral. They can play to win the hardware and get into other players heads, but cannot advance to the Chapter Championship 8th seed. These players are: Sharon Derwin, KC Pugs, Karen Karyczak, Jessie Kuffner, and Sara Frank. Sharon Derwin finished 2nd on the leaderboard, but with so few games played many members felt that the numbers were a mirage. "Even I could bowl a 131 once" said Carl Gallagher. "Fortunately, there are rules in place." Mrs. Derwin couldn't be reached at her Port Charlotte, FL home, but we assume her quote would be "Fuck!"

*Jessica Galvin went form having 0 spares in the first 3 season events (including the Knock' Em Back Masters, which she didn't attend), to having a season total of 11 (Six & five in the last 2 events respectively). When asked about her sudden surge in productivity, including a 131 in Game 1 of the TDK Memorial, Jess told us "Once I realized I had a better shot at getting the Wild Card slot than making the top 7, I was able to relax and just focus on my game. Also, between going on vacation without my husband, and bowling today on a different lane than him, I'm becoming a free woman with unlimited bowling possibilities."

*The Gutter Trash Award has been handed out 5 times this season with 4 different winners (Heather O'Shea 2x, Jennifer Grunwald 1x, Melissa Roche 1x, Mary Hanna 1x). Hillary Scott was asked about how proud she is about the competition regarding this prestigious award. "It's great to see so many losers getting the same opportunities," she told us in between throws on Lane M.E.S.S. "We are proud to see the award end up on so many different trophy shelves, as long as it doesn't fuckin' end up on mine. Ayayayayayayayayaaa"

*MBA member #36 Jennifer Grunwald shocked the crowds when she blew her previous MBA career high score (66) out of the water with a 105. "Somebody finally told me that we're trying to knock the pins down at the end of the lane, so I just aimed at them. Why didn't someone tell me this before?" she was quoted as saying after her big win. She followed her excellent game with a respectful 73 for an event average of 89, an impressive exhibition all around. Now that she understands the point of the game, Ms. Grunwald is officially on the list of "Ones to watch" for this months Honorable Munson.

* The Caucasian Open is the final regular season event in the MBA calendar. With the playoffs coming later this month, we will then enter the off-season. One source inside the big wig's office tells us that there has been so much clamoring for a longer season that the rumors at MBA HQ includes adding a pre-season event next September (code name: Mixer). The event will be a simple warm up to get ready for the grueling 2013-14 year with no ramifications on season averages. "We were, also, told that only members who attended all 5 regular season events the previous year (Sweetness through Caucasian), we be eligible to part take in a special tournament for an unknown trophy that day," said the source. " It will be an 'Invitational' of sorts, while the rest of the chapter simply warms up. This should inspire members to up their attendance in future seasons." More on this rumor at a later date.

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