Feb 2, 2014
Wrap Up: Team No Surfboards Invades Caucasian Open, Captures White Russian Trophy
The Staten Island Caucasian Open was everything the league had hoped it would be. It had drama, surprise appearances, mutiny, and thievery. League officials who were on location, but declined comment, could be seen burning five dollar bills on the way to their bulletproof limousine in the parking lot.
The five captains: Sean Kuhl, Geoff Celis, Dan Derwin, Justin Krstinic, and Mike Dillon chose their teams, from varying tiers of skill, in the bar during the check-in process. "My first season and I've already made captain" harked Celis while drinking a beer. "I guess I've already got one foot out the door" referencing his season average of 142.2.
With five lanes occupied by five teams competing for the elusive White Russian trophy, a sixth lane took its familiar boycotting stance under the acronym M.E.S.S. (Mediocre Equality Standing Strong). With group leader Todd Currier missing in action during the sanctioned event sign-in process, members stood in for him recruiting volunteers for the "lane of misfits without a home." Maggi Weaver explained, "It's not where we are, but who we are." At press time, Ms. Weaver was still noticeably white.
Regardless of affiliation or creed, everyone was competing hard and cheering their fellow teammates along. "The Caucasian Open is one of the louder events during the MBA season." said Jen Grünwald via FaceTime with league officials, "Team spirit runs rampant, then next month we hate each other again."
Throughout the 2 games, all of the lanes were pretty close in competition. Witnesses saw Justin Krstinic nervously walking around with paper and pen trying to do some early math after the first games concluded. "He had ink all over his lips and the top of his pen was missing. Also I saw some blood." noted Keith Paras, who was playing for Team Celis. "How do you say his last name?" was also overheard.
All the math in the world couldn't hide what would be the inevitable truth: Sean Kuhls team AKA Team "No Surf Boards" would be awarded the White Russian, with their team average of 125.8, just slightly edging ahead of Team Krstinic Krushers with 124.6. Just as the final scores were being finalized at the front desk, M.E.S.S. leader Todd Currier grabbed the big milky drink trophy, crammed it into his sweatshirt, and ran to his car. Mr. Kuhl, visibly crying, had to chase him down to retrieve it. After league officials deemed the trophy to be unharmed, it was presented to the winning team. "I can't believe it!" screamed Bari Reiter. "I will drink out of this for the next month," announced Justin Marino.
The winning team will return the White Russian to the league in February at the beginning of the Theodore Donald Kerabatsos Memorial Tournament on February 23rd. At which point, they will go off on their own, hating each other once again.
Other notables for the evening include:
* Joe Frontirre, believed to be dead, reemerged at the bowling alley for the first time in the 2013-14 season. "I'm here to bowl." He said as he sipped a beer. Within an hour, he was quoted as saying: "I'm here to watch." after sources revealed he hadn't yet paid his membership dues.
*Elizabeth Calascibetta and Heather Paras tied for the Gutter Trash Award with 9 gutters each, but with less strikes and spares Heather Paras took home the coveted (by some) trophy. This makes her 4th GTA – a league record. "I would say I have to build another shelf, but these things are so small I can probably fit another 3,428”.
*Justin Marino, also, made his first appearance of the season, but had no career numbers to fall back on placing him at the bottom of the leaderboard. He ended up getting picked up by Sean Kuhl's team as a throw away, but this selection probably put them over the top. Marino ended up with scores of 96 and 131, revealing himself to possibly reside in the upper echelon of the MBA. Several witnesses, who request anonymity, say Marino threw a strike while nonchalantly holding slices of pizza in one hand. "Who the fuck does he think he is?" said Jon Marotte while using a voice modulator during his telephone interview.