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Mar 11, 2014

Wrap Up: Marotte Memorializes TDK with Big Win at Tournament

Staten Island, NY

"Goodbye, Sweet Prince" Team "No Surfboards" Captain, Sean Kuhl
whispered as The White Russian returned to the hands of the Chapter Leaders 

When the White Russian Trophy was brought into the bar at Showplace Entertainment Center by Team "No Surfboards" captain Sean Kuhl, the boos were expected.  Chapter members looked on in distain as the placard listing the winning team names was fixed to the wooden base. This officially marked the end of a glorious run embarked on by the team winning the SI Chapter’s 2014 Caucasian Open.

In the Theodore Donald Kerabatsos Memorial Tournament, players were pitted against each other in a singles tournament that some members were looking forward to after back-to-back months of team play. “I’m ready to step up and worry about myself instead of having to be fake friendly with these other assholes.” John Esposito claimed as he ordered a pitcher of Bud Light. “Now I don’t have to be on the same team as my Husband” added Heather Paras.

"Fuck all these people...I'm goign to kill it today." Bari Reiter
was overheard commenting over a Bud Light Lime

In playing the event’s 3 games, scores would be averaged and the highest would emerge as the winner of the Pour Donny Award. Although the award was slightly altered from last year's, it still had the same charm as any cutting-board-turned-trophy-would. “The league changed the tap from metal to plastic because last year’s award kept coming apart from our shitty glue.” chapter leader Hillary Scott claimed. “Spray painted plastic does the same trick, so only those few members who try to drink from it will notice.”

Special guests Joe Frontirre and local restaurantuer Robert Kelly
showed up to pay their respects to Theodore

From the outset, it was clear that somebody new was going to be walking away with the goods. Six players finished ahead of  season leader Sean Kuhl after the first game. It wasn’t until the second game that the eventual winner started to show his true colors. Jon Marotte finished the middle match with a 217, making the rest of the alley sweat with fury, anger, and tears. “Holy shit, I might actually win this thing” Marotte said. He would later stand around like a child looking for a hand out waiting for league officials to do the math.
The third game of the evening had a different feel to it. Between having to wait a long time for the lanes to get their shit together and the length of the event, most of the bowlers were “drunk,” witnesses say. Due to these unfortunate circumstances, nobody would come close to matching Marotte’s 170.6 event average and he took home the goods. “Tricky Dick’s Bar & Lounge will have a second MBA trophy to call it’s own.” Jon said, referring to chapter member #3, and roommate, Pat Felitti’s win of the 2013 Honorable Munson Award. “We might as well call it the MBA Hall Of Fame.” League officials, when notified this statement, simply responded with “No, we won’t.”

Leigh Janicki mocks Jon Marotte for bowling high enough to win the Pour Donny Award, but simultaneously pushing his average above the League maximum of 140 
"It was worth it." Jon was overheard commenting to the guy who makes the dough in the adjacent pizzeria

With the final regular season event in the books, March paves way for the 2014 Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship and the Honorable Munson Wild Card Round. The playoffs always bring an extra helping of hate and competitive spirit. The top 7 players with a buy have been established and the shit talking can begin. “Let’s do it, slobs” said George Karyczak as he drunkenly put his ball way.

This is the sort of drunk we're talking about...the games took hours to finish

Other notables for the evening include:

*Bowling on Lane 23 at this year’s TDK Memorial Tournament were none other than players the league refers to as “Lane 26”. Notorious for being slow and deteriorating in record pace as events roll along, this day was probably the worst officials have ever seen. “What a disgrace,” 2013 Munson Cup champ Mike Calascibetta claimed. “A player of my caliber shouldn’t be subjected to this minor league behavior. Aside from having 6 bowlers while 3 other lanes had 5, the score decline for just about every participant was just as jarring. Ryan Petersen, starting with a 183 in game 1, finished with a 113 in game 3. Eric Ornstein with a 161 & 89, respectively. “I don’t know what the hell happened” Ornstein claimed. “Actually, yes I was the booze.”

* As Justin Krstinic was bowling throughout the event, chapter leaders Dan & Hillary confronted him towards the end of the 3rd game. “We have been hearing rumors of Mr. Krstinic trying to miss strikes and connect with spares on purpose so he could walk away with the inaugural and yet-to-be-named season ending trophy for most spares.” Derwin said. After interrogation, Krstinic could be seen wiping tears away from his eyes, and would only be quoted as saying “They didn’t have to call me names,” and “Yes I was.”

* Heather Paras walked away with her second Gutter Trash Award of the season and the 5th of her career. Throwing 15 gutters, she easily wiped the floor of the second best, Jen Grunwald. “What the fuck does a person have to do to win around here!” Grunwald tweeted while crossing over the Verrazano Bridge after the match.

* All of the season ending awards: The Helen Dillon Memorial Trophy (Strikes), The “To be named” Trophy (Spares) and the infamous Most Mediocre Award bowling pin will be handed out prior to the start of the Honorable Munson Wild Card. Though were sure you will be able to tell if you won prior to the day by just looking at the leaderboard.

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