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Nov 2, 2014

Wrap Up: Felitti Takes Home His FIRST Sweetness Open Medal (Get it?)


The 3rd annual Sweetness Open took place on another beautiful almost-Fall day. With 53 total members this year, including 18 rookies playing for keeps, this season promises to be another unpredictable year for the Staten Island Chapter of the Mediocre Bowling Association. For the first event, 37 players would suit up in hopes of taking home the coveted medals for the three highest averages of the day. Veteran members stretched and strutted the lanes getting ready to dominate, while rookies looked on with nervous anticipation wondering “We paid for this?”

Through the countless pitchers of beer, league officials would watch promising good and bad things unfolding quickly for several players. Sara Frank would finish her first game with a 171 while the ivory to her ebony, Maggi Weaver, would finish her first game with a 144. “If I bowl well, so will she.” Frank said while hearts visibly hovered above her head. On the other side of the spectrum, the biggest story in Game 1 would be Todd Currier. Normally hovering around the 85-100 mark, Currier would finish with a handicapped score of 70 (43 without.) “I don’t know what the hell happened.” He quipped to the media via Facetime. “The ‘White Devil’ wasn’t doing what I wanted it to do, as usual,” he said referring to his bowling ball. This would be the only game that he and newcomer Jen Carlo would participate in, for undisclosed reasons. Several anonymous sources later reported the two were spotted at a dance party in the Wendy’s parking lot getting down to the lyrical stylings of OMC’s “How Bizarre”, but this was never confirmed.

New Member Amy Kitchen is introduced to "Patty Animal" who would finish in first place at the Sweetness Open

Game 2 had a few players bowling pretty great, veterans and rookies alike. Dave Derwin 164, Keith Paras 161, Joe Tavalare 164, Jen Grunwald 121, to name a few. At this point, Paras started keeping an eye on everybody’s screen to make sure that he could stay afloat. “I’d almost rather fall behind right out of the gate than have to worry about doing this mental math the whole event” he said between lotto scratches.

In true MBA fashion, by the time Game 3 reared its ugly head those who were the drunkest begin to bowl like shit and those who got off to a rough start began to pick up steam. Mike Dillon who bowled a respectable but pedestrian 113 and 129 in Games 1 & 2 respectively, bowled a 179 in Game 3 for a total average of 140.3. Tavalare, who had a solid start, would finish with a 73 in his final game. “Nobody told me this would be hard.” He said to the MBA Rookie Panel after the match. “I’ll see what adjustments I can make for the future events…it will be easier when I have a handicap, too.”

As of now, league officials can confirm that Keith Paras "hasn't won yet."

When the smoke cleared, the winners of the Sweetness Open’s ribbons would emerge. Pat Felitti, who attended only 1 game last season thus granted a generous handicap, would finish with a final average of 155 taking home the 1st place ribbon. “I don’t give a shit about the handicap.” Felitti said. “I would have beaten everybody without it.” (League mathematicians would later dispute this claim) Justin Krstinic, last year’s Munson Cup Champion, took home the 2nd place medal for the second year in a row. Mike Dillon, who has developed a pattern of coming in after Krstinic, would take home the 3rd place medal. With these awards they become the first players to place twice in the Sweetness Open, Krstinic’s wins being back to back years and Dillon recalling former glory from the inaugural season.

Two out of the three Sweetness Open finalists pictured above. Third place winner Mike Dillon was elsewhere throwing a sandbag into another bowler's french fries.

They can continue the arguing next month during the 2014 Knock’em Back Masters, when players, old and new, will all be assigned handicaps based on the base scores from this years premiere event.

The introduction of the Dude Award has some members of the MBA "Praying for a win."

Other Notables for the Evening Include:

*Rookie Matt Wilson would take home the first ever “Dude Award” for placing the most mediocre in the Sweetness Open. With a total average of 103.6, Wilson would tie notorious Gutter Trash Award winner Heather O’Shea for the closest score to the mediocre average of 103.8. The 5 strikes Wilson threw to O’Shea’s 0 would be the tie breaker. “Are you kidding me?” O’Shea was overhead yelling out of a speeding car while she littered. Wilson, along with 4 possible future winners, will be able to participate in March’s inaugural Mediocre Cup Final.

*Newcomer Kathleen Houston would win her first ever Gutter Trash Award after throwing an astonishing total of 19 gutters. Throwing 8 in Game in 2, finishing with a final score of 26, would shatter Jessica Manger’s league record of 44 for lowest game ever bowled in the MBA. While Houston would leave before she could be handed her trophy, league officials have high hopes for her dominating this category in future events.