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Dec 2, 2014

Wrap Up: Calascibetta Completes 3Peat at Knock 'Em Back Masters


Nobody thought the world was round, but it was.

Nobody thought we would land on the moon, but we did.

Nobody thought the Knock’em Back Masters would have the same champion 3 years in a row: but it does.

Mike Calascibetta, who was rumored to be a no show for the November Masters, showed up and took back what was “rightfully his.” The winner of the 2012, 2013, and 2014 Big Lebrewski Trophy wasn’t coy about his improbable 3peat.

“Usually I come out of the gate bowling like dog shit.” Calascibetta told the press in the parking lot after the event. “Once I get the Sweetness Open behind me, I start to come into form. What happens the rest of the year will be just as unpredictable as last month, but not this.”

Matt Meinzer tries not to mess up his throw while the enthralled crowd catches the action.

The 2014 Knock’em Back Masters had all the excitement that could be expected. The bowlers who were favored to take home the gold disappointed the folks in Las Vegas. While some of them didn’t come through, some also didn’t even show up. “It’s weird because if I was expected to come in first place , the least I could do is show up,” newcomer Joe Seluga told the MBA via email.

Serial Finalist Mike Dillon and reigning Munson Cup Champion Justin Krstinic even had mediocre nights, finishing with a 123 and 117 average respectively.  On the impressive front, Kevin Rogers continues to thrive this season by climbing the ranks with another great tournament. His 2014 base average of 121.2 thus far trumps where he sat at this point last year, with a 103. Todd Currier, who entered the night with a career high handicap of 48(!) had an “anything could have been better” night finishing with a base average of 74.

Ryan Petersen bowls by himeself. Alone. Nobody was there.

For whatever reason, chapter leader Dan Derwin and notoriously good bowler Sean Kuhl neglected Calascibetta while they gawked at their own impressive final averages of 158 and 151.5 respectively. “We were so busy giving ourselves high fives, that we didn’t even DREAM Mike would come out of the darkness and step on our necks.” Kuhl said while drinking a big milkshake and putting on his jacket. The fact that they didn’t dream about it probably had something to do with Calascibetta’s 15 handicap, which pushed him over Derwin for the win.

“That’s why they play the games.” Said some famous guy in the sports world. Nobody knows what the hell his name was, but there is one name in Staten Island bowling circles that everybody knows: Calascibetta.

The "Golden Colt" and the Gutter Trash Award sit next to a pair of Gregory Hines dance shoes.

Other notables for the evening include:

*Rich Colletta won November’s Dude Award with a very non-mediocre average of 121.5, which ended up being median of Knock’em Back Masters score sheet. “I can’t wait to partake in the Mediocre Cup Finals in March.” Colletta said. Matt Wilson won the trophy in October, and Colletta promises that this news doesn’t scare him. “I’m not afraid of anyone.” He said. “Who’s Matt Wilson?”

Matt Wilson holds his Dude Award from last month's Sweetness Open for coming up with the most mediocre average.

*Kathleen Houston, who won last month’s Gutter Trash Award with a total of 19, wasn’t able to attend the November event. Houston would have been the first to use the league’s newest sanctioned weapon: bumpers. Since the Gutter Trash bumpers HAVE to be used in the event after the trophy is won, we will have to wait until December for this month’s winner Jen Carlo (12.) “I’m very excited to partake in this new advantage this league has to offer.” Carlo said via Skype with cat in hand. “I’m sure the partner I’m paired with in the Great Divide will be VERY happy.” She added.

Jen Carlo wins her first (of what experts say will be many) Gutter Trash Award.

*Professional tattoo artist, dad, and skin beater Tom Connors was a part of a controversy that had some league officials and members up in arms towards the end of Game 2. Due to a prior commitment, Connors had to leave in the middle of his sophomore game. Bowlers were horrified when they saw Leigh Janicki, who is officially on the MBA Disabled List, using a bowling assist ramp to finish Mr. Connors game. “I never felt more alive.” Janicki said while tears rolled down her face. Since these occurrences happened BEFORE the league was able to naysay them, they will officially count towards the final score of Connor’s game.

Leigh Janicki (supposedly on I.R.) pushes a round object down a slide in front of a visably upset Mike Calascibetta

*Famous studio philanthroper Phil Cadaver unexpectedly showed up to the bowling alley ready to join the league a month late. Hearing from friends that people have been bowling like shit under one roof for the last 2 ½ years had him curious to see what was going on. “I thought maybe I could add some color to my wardrobe with some bright neon yellow shoes.” He said via microphone. “That is the only reason I’m here.” Cadaver finished completed his debut with the scores of 138 & 87 to go along with his first career turkey.