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Jan 26, 2015

Wrap Up: Krstinic's Crew Crushes Competition at Caucasian Open


Arguably the League's most prestigious trophy sits side by side its inspiration

The miserable rain and icy weather would keep a handful of members tucked in their beds for this January’s Caucasian Open, but a healthy 30 players would traverse bridges, roads, and adversity to get a crack at winning the tournament’s prestigious “White Russian” trophy. “My whole purpose in this life is to get my name on this thing.” Tom Connors told the press once he arrived. “Sometimes I picture myself laying on the beach trying to take a big sip from it.” Said Jocelyn Elliot.

3 veteran along with 3 rookie tournament captains would pick their teams and give it their best shot. The tournament would be just as eventful as it usually is.

Team Moops had a strong start with Kuhl and Kuhl's stellar performance in Game 1. By the end of the event, however, onlookers saw the couple going over Divorce papers citing
"Irreconcible Bowling Differences" as the reason for the SPLIT

Captain Sean Kuhl of Team Moops would kick off his Game 1 with a Hambone (4 straight strikes.) Onlookers who caught a glimpse of lane 16’s screen were already heard sighing early in the match. “Wow, big fucking surprise.” 1st overall captain Pat Felitti was heard muttering to his brother Jim. Sean’s wife Jess Kuhl and Chris Fers would also have impressive games, but the anchors known as Matt Meinzer and Phil Cadaver would pull the teams final average down to a 122.3. “I’m going to blame the alley balls for my play today.” Cadaver told a full media room after the tournament. “I started my MBA career with a turkey in my first game, so obviously I’m not a player you can dismiss in the long run.”

His team might not have won, but captain Kevin Rogers’ Team E-Bowl-A should have won by default with a name like that. Rogers continues to cement a career season for himself, bowling a personal best 169 (without handicap) in game 2. He would not be able to do it all himself though, as his team finished the day with a 123.9 average.

Derwin tried, without success, to kidnap players who were dominating on other lanes. His tactic did successfully freak out nearby bowlers, affecting their performance and possibly resulting in Sara Frank's lane loss. "I wasn't impressed with his scare tactics," Frank was quoted later from the bodega by her house, "Give him 5 minutes for unsportmanlike conduct."

On lane 17, Team Pin Pals who was being captained by Justin Krstinic had everything going for them. “I picked my team in hopes that I could catch lightning in a bottle, just like the 1986 Mets but without the coke.” Krstinic said before the games began. Krstinic, Mark Eadicicco, Ryan Petersen, and Jen Grunwald would each have a “par for the course” night. The lighting in a bottle that was being talked about ended up being Melissa Roche. Her handicapped scores of 131 and 155 were enough to push the team over the finish line with a lane average of 134, making everybody on the team a Caucasian Open champion for the first time. “We have to make smaller versions of this trophy for the winners to keep!” suggested Jen Grunwald. Calls to the league would go unanswered on this issue.

This win MARKS (pun intended) two in a row for League Official, Mark Eadicicco. Some members of the league could be heard boo-ing and hissing "Collusion" at the time of this photo.

Smaller versions of the trophy or not, their names will be etched on the big one for eternity.

Other notables for the evening include:

*Heather Paras would be the first player in MBA history to use bumpers as per the recent ratification to the Gutter Trash trophy rules. Using the bumpers for only one of her games, she told league officials that she didn't do any better. "They were kind of distracting." She stated. Next month, Phil Cadaver will get his chance to use the bumpers. There won't be too many players in the league who get four strikes in a game and win the Gutter Trash award in the same season. "Somebody has to do it." Cadaver said.

* Along with Sean Kuhl, Geoff Celis threw the first Hambone (4 straight strikes) of his career. This marks the first time in league history that two Hambones were thrown in the same tournament. Celis also threw a non handicapped score of 189 in game 2, which edged out Mike Dillon’s tournament high of 187, which he threw in last year’s Open.


*Score sheets were handed out for the first time via the Mediocre Stats Bureau for team captains to keep tabs on their lane members activities. Due to confusion on how to properly score gutter balls, Phil Cadaver was erroneously granted his first Gutter Trash Award for throwing 8 gutters while John Esposito threw 11, but was only listed as throwing 3 by his captain Kevin Rogers. “While we understand the mishap that occurred in January’s tournament while also taking into consideration that one of our league officials is against the practice, we believe in our members to do the right thing and learn the ways of scoring in the MBA.” Said one league official who used a voice changing box and wore a ski mask during his FaceTime interview. “The gutter column was the only issue, and we believe things will only improve from here.” Esposito responded to these comments on Facebook with “I’m going to bowl all gutters next time.”

This year marked the unofficial disbanding of the rebel group M.E.S.S. from the Caucasian Open.With their fearless leader, Todd Currier, not attending the event and one of their members making it into the Captain's group the protest fizzled. Ms. Frank still attempted to stand her ground by proudly wearing her hoops and bandana, and stocking her team with former members of the cause but even Mary Hanna's spanish rice could not sway her. When told she had to choose between protesting and competing for the "big" trophy - she chose to contend for the White Russian.
M.E.S.S. - Rest in Peace.

* Sara Frank would win the chapter’s 4th Dude Award of the season with a 122 event average, only leaving one more possible competitor for the 5 player face off in the inaugural Mediocre Cup Finals. “I’m so excited!” Frank said while kissing Jesus’ face on the way to the car. “This guarantees that I have a few possible things I can play for next month.” Frank joins previous winners: Matt Wilson, Rich Colletta, Jon Marotte as winners of the not-so-prestigious trophy.

*Mary Hanna and newcomer Steve Lombardi bowled in their first event of the season. In true lovebird fashion, they bowled in syncronicity. Hanna scored an 88 in both games while Lombardi scored a 91 in both of his. OMG Adorbs.

Do you really need a caption?