Apr 13, 2014
-Staten Island, New york
Justin Krstinic shows off his awards and the shirt that inspired him to beat competitor Dillon
Ladies and gentlemen, the Roy L. Munson Cup has a new (temporary) owner. Justin Krstinic defeated Mike Dillon in a dramatic 190 to 186 victory in front of a jaw dropped crowd that couldn’t take their eyes off the drama unfolding in front of them , though, MBA officials theorize that about half of them (50%) were watching the Justin Bieber video playing above the pins at the time. Krstinic, who will have his banner hung from the rafters at Mother Pugs Saloon in September next to last year’s champion Mike Calascibetta, will continue the trend of names nobody can pronounce displayed proudly at everybody’s favorite dive bar.
Mike Calavamobacitas (or something like that) got downgraded from champion to clerical assistant
Dillon, who in his second consecutive Munson Cup Final defeat, described exactly how he felt moments after the match to a group of MBA reporters. “I’m the Buffalo Bills of the Staten Island Chapter.” Dillon claimed. “I could have sworn a 186 would put me with the immortals.”
The last event of the season started off with the always competitive Honorable Munson Wild Card round. With the winner moving on to face Sean Kuhl as the 8th seed, players got going in a hurry. Hillary Scott, Leigh Janicki, Dave Derwin, Ryan Petersen, and Keith Paras were the ones to watch after the 5th frame. While Dave Derwin needed a turkey in the last frame to win, it would be Petersen who would win the Wild Card trophy. “I can’t tell you what I’m going to do with this hand, but I can tell you that I will enjoy it.” Explained Petersen as he made crude gestures.
Winner of the Honorable Munson, Ryan Petersen. He later went on to "Blow it," according to his life-partner Maggi Weaver
The seeding was set, and now the one game elimination bracket showdown was underway. Kuhl vs Petersen, Celis vs Calascibetta, Marotte vs Krstinic, Dillon vs Derwin.
In the first round, Kuhl vs Petersen was closer than one would think. With Petersen’s handicap of 13, the score was pretty locked by the 8th frame, but Kuhl would finish strong and avoid what would have been a major upset in the event with a slim 122 to 113 win. Calascibetta would have one of his weaker games of the season and lose to Celis with little fanfare, aside from poorly defending his title in the opening match losing 140-123. The same would happen in the Marotte/Krstinic battle with the latter sealing it with a 168 to 146 victory. Dillon vs Derwin was neck and neck all the way to the 9th frame, until Dillon put it away with 4 straight strikes to embarrass his childhood friend and league commissioner winning 169-127.
Kuhl, who was the season’s best competitor, faced Krstinic in the second round. As the match went along, it would be Krstinic with the edge sending the Las Vegas favorite to the showers. “That was the biggest moment of my MBA career to date.” Kristnic would later recall. “The road to the championship would have to go through the big man himself.” The final score would be 137 to 123.
Finishing strong with a hambone in the first round, Dillon would not slow down. He ended up giving Celis a taste of the promise he had last season in these championship games. “It was obvious that he was warmed up and there was nothing I could do.” Celis told onlookers as he cried into his Denino’s pizza after the match. The final score would be 137 to 112.
This set up the final match, Dillon vs Krstinic for the Munson Cup. Two work buddies and bowling rivals of similar skill. Dillon would stay 10 to 20 pins ahead of Krstinic the entire match, with a 105 to 95 advantage in the 5th frame, 143 to 124 in the 7th frame, and a 160 to 149 in the 8th. Finally catching up with two strikes and coming back with a 169 to 168 advantage in the 9th frame, Krstinic finished his game with a 190. Dillon needed his last throw to be a strike, but he would only get 8 pins, sealing the victory for Krstinic.
Dejected competitors hang up their shoes and balls after another fantastically mediocre season
Another great season in the books and a thank you to everyone that was a part of it. The MBA takes pride in it’s league and looks to fine tune some of the rules and regulations to make sure that we stay both competitive and fun for bowlers of all skill levels. We will be looking to add more chapters in the offseason and hopefully brew some rivalries with other cities looking to bowl aggressively ina mediocre fashion. See you in September for both the banner raising and the MBA Chapter Invitational / Preseason event.
Other notables for the evening include:
*No season can end without hardware being handed out for those with season best totals:
Sean Kuhl would take home his first Helen Dillon Memorial Trophy for finishing with a league best 40 strikes. This, also, shatters Mike Dillon’s previous record of 20 strikes from last season.
Munson Cup winner Justin Krstinic would take home the inaugural Fred Glasier Memorial Trophy for finishing with a league best 38 spares. Leigh Janicki still holds the chapter’s record with 41 in the MBA’s inaugural season.
Jessica Arvelo took home the Most Mediocre Award in her first season for finishing with a VERY mediocre 110.7 average. Although Justin Marino was in line to win this trophy with his 113.5 average, his sole appearance in the Caucasian Open would disqualify him from contending for it since he needed at least 3 season appearances to take home any awards. “I can’t believe I won it.” She explained afterwards. “What the hell am I going to do with a painted bowling pin and where the hell has Justin been?”
While no award is handed out for the most gutters at the end of a season (yet), Heather Paras, pathetically, only threw 42 gutters to lead the league. She came nowhere close to her own record last year of 61 gutters thrown. She DID however walk away with an impressive 2 Gutter Trash Awards bringing her career collection to 5.
*Bari Reiter won her first Gutter Trash Award for throwing 3 in the Honorable Munson Wild Card round. Maggi Weaver also threw 3, but she had more strikes (1) triggering the tie breaker in Reiter’s favor. “Do I get to take this home or can I take it to work?” Reiter asked the press afterwards. She was later told via UPS 1st class letter “Yes.”
Mar 11, 2014
Staten Island, NY
"Goodbye, Sweet Prince" Team "No Surfboards" Captain, Sean Kuhl
whispered as The White Russian returned to the hands of the Chapter Leaders
When the White Russian Trophy was brought into the bar at Showplace Entertainment Center by Team "No Surfboards" captain Sean Kuhl, the boos were expected. Chapter members looked on in distain as the placard listing the winning team names was fixed to the wooden base. This officially marked the end of a glorious run embarked on by the team winning the SI Chapter’s 2014 Caucasian Open.
In the Theodore Donald Kerabatsos Memorial Tournament, players were pitted against each other in a singles tournament that some members were looking forward to after back-to-back months of team play. “I’m ready to step up and worry about myself instead of having to be fake friendly with these other assholes.” John Esposito claimed as he ordered a pitcher of Bud Light. “Now I don’t have to be on the same team as my Husband” added Heather Paras.
"Fuck all these people...I'm goign to kill it today." Bari Reiter
was overheard commenting over a Bud Light Lime
In playing the event’s 3 games, scores would be averaged and the highest would emerge as the winner of the Pour Donny Award. Although the award was slightly altered from last year's, it still had the same charm as any cutting-board-turned-trophy-would. “The league changed the tap from metal to plastic because last year’s award kept coming apart from our shitty glue.” chapter leader Hillary Scott claimed. “Spray painted plastic does the same trick, so only those few members who try to drink from it will notice.”
Special guests Joe Frontirre and local restaurantuer Robert Kelly
showed up to pay their respects to Theodore
From the outset, it was clear that somebody new was going to be walking away with the goods. Six players finished ahead of season leader Sean Kuhl after the first game. It wasn’t until the second game that the eventual winner started to show his true colors. Jon Marotte finished the middle match with a 217, making the rest of the alley sweat with fury, anger, and tears. “Holy shit, I might actually win this thing” Marotte said. He would later stand around like a child looking for a hand out waiting for league officials to do the math.
The third game of the evening had a different feel to it. Between having to wait a long time for the lanes to get their shit together and the length of the event, most of the bowlers were “drunk,” witnesses say. Due to these unfortunate circumstances, nobody would come close to matching Marotte’s 170.6 event average and he took home the goods. “Tricky Dick’s Bar & Lounge will have a second MBA trophy to call it’s own.” Jon said, referring to chapter member #3, and roommate, Pat Felitti’s win of the 2013 Honorable Munson Award. “We might as well call it the MBA Hall Of Fame.” League officials, when notified this statement, simply responded with “No, we won’t.”
Leigh Janicki mocks Jon Marotte for bowling high enough to win the Pour Donny Award, but simultaneously pushing his average above the League maximum of 140
"It was worth it." Jon was overheard commenting to the guy who makes the dough in the adjacent pizzeria
With the final regular season event in the books, March paves way for the 2014 Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship and the Honorable Munson Wild Card Round. The playoffs always bring an extra helping of hate and competitive spirit. The top 7 players with a buy have been established and the shit talking can begin. “Let’s do it, slobs” said George Karyczak as he drunkenly put his ball way.
This is the sort of drunk we're talking about...the games took hours to finish
Other notables for the evening include:
*Bowling on Lane 23 at this year’s TDK Memorial Tournament were none other than players the league refers to as “Lane 26”. Notorious for being slow and deteriorating in record pace as events roll along, this day was probably the worst officials have ever seen. “What a disgrace,” 2013 Munson Cup champ Mike Calascibetta claimed. “A player of my caliber shouldn’t be subjected to this minor league behavior. Aside from having 6 bowlers while 3 other lanes had 5, the score decline for just about every participant was just as jarring. Ryan Petersen, starting with a 183 in game 1, finished with a 113 in game 3. Eric Ornstein with a 161 & 89, respectively. “I don’t know what the hell happened” Ornstein claimed. “Actually, yes I do....it was the booze.”
* As Justin Krstinic was bowling throughout the event, chapter leaders Dan & Hillary confronted him towards the end of the 3rd game. “We have been hearing rumors of Mr. Krstinic trying to miss strikes and connect with spares on purpose so he could walk away with the inaugural and yet-to-be-named season ending trophy for most spares.” Derwin said. After interrogation, Krstinic could be seen wiping tears away from his eyes, and would only be quoted as saying “They didn’t have to call me names,” and “Yes I was.”
* Heather Paras walked away with her second Gutter Trash Award of the season and the 5th of her career. Throwing 15 gutters, she easily wiped the floor of the second best, Jen Grunwald. “What the fuck does a person have to do to win around here!” Grunwald tweeted while crossing over the Verrazano Bridge after the match.
* All of the season ending awards: The Helen Dillon Memorial Trophy (Strikes), The “To be named” Trophy (Spares) and the infamous Most Mediocre Award bowling pin will be handed out prior to the start of the Honorable Munson Wild Card. Though were sure you will be able to tell if you won prior to the day by just looking at the leaderboard.
Feb 2, 2014
The Staten Island Caucasian Open was everything the league had hoped it would be. It had drama, surprise appearances, mutiny, and thievery. League officials who were on location, but declined comment, could be seen burning five dollar bills on the way to their bulletproof limousine in the parking lot.
The five captains: Sean Kuhl, Geoff Celis, Dan Derwin, Justin Krstinic, and Mike Dillon chose their teams, from varying tiers of skill, in the bar during the check-in process. "My first season and I've already made captain" harked Celis while drinking a beer. "I guess I've already got one foot out the door" referencing his season average of 142.2.
With five lanes occupied by five teams competing for the elusive White Russian trophy, a sixth lane took its familiar boycotting stance under the acronym M.E.S.S. (Mediocre Equality Standing Strong). With group leader Todd Currier missing in action during the sanctioned event sign-in process, members stood in for him recruiting volunteers for the "lane of misfits without a home." Maggi Weaver explained, "It's not where we are, but who we are." At press time, Ms. Weaver was still noticeably white.
Regardless of affiliation or creed, everyone was competing hard and cheering their fellow teammates along. "The Caucasian Open is one of the louder events during the MBA season." said Jen Grünwald via FaceTime with league officials, "Team spirit runs rampant, then next month we hate each other again."
Throughout the 2 games, all of the lanes were pretty close in competition. Witnesses saw Justin Krstinic nervously walking around with paper and pen trying to do some early math after the first games concluded. "He had ink all over his lips and the top of his pen was missing. Also I saw some blood." noted Keith Paras, who was playing for Team Celis. "How do you say his last name?" was also overheard.
All the math in the world couldn't hide what would be the inevitable truth: Sean Kuhls team AKA Team "No Surf Boards" would be awarded the White Russian, with their team average of 125.8, just slightly edging ahead of Team Krstinic Krushers with 124.6. Just as the final scores were being finalized at the front desk, M.E.S.S. leader Todd Currier grabbed the big milky drink trophy, crammed it into his sweatshirt, and ran to his car. Mr. Kuhl, visibly crying, had to chase him down to retrieve it. After league officials deemed the trophy to be unharmed, it was presented to the winning team. "I can't believe it!" screamed Bari Reiter. "I will drink out of this for the next month," announced Justin Marino.
The winning team will return the White Russian to the league in February at the beginning of the Theodore Donald Kerabatsos Memorial Tournament on February 23rd. At which point, they will go off on their own, hating each other once again.
Other notables for the evening include:
* Joe Frontirre, believed to be dead, reemerged at the bowling alley for the first time in the 2013-14 season. "I'm here to bowl." He said as he sipped a beer. Within an hour, he was quoted as saying: "I'm here to watch." after sources revealed he hadn't yet paid his membership dues.
*Elizabeth Calascibetta and Heather Paras tied for the Gutter Trash Award with 9 gutters each, but with less strikes and spares Heather Paras took home the coveted (by some) trophy. This makes her 4th GTA – a league record. "I would say I have to build another shelf, but these things are so small I can probably fit another 3,428”.
*Justin Marino, also, made his first appearance of the season, but had no career numbers to fall back on placing him at the bottom of the leaderboard. He ended up getting picked up by Sean Kuhl's team as a throw away, but this selection probably put them over the top. Marino ended up with scores of 96 and 131, revealing himself to possibly reside in the upper echelon of the MBA. Several witnesses, who request anonymity, say Marino threw a strike while nonchalantly holding slices of pizza in one hand. "Who the fuck does he think he is?" said Jon Marotte while using a voice modulator during his telephone interview.
Dec 20, 2013
Staten Island, New York - December 20, 2013
The second December for the Great Divide tournament yielded the same results as the first. The gentlemen came out victorious at the Mediocre Bowling Association’s Staten Island chapter event and will look forward to a prosperous holiday season, strutting into the 2014 new year with “great” pride.
The cold December day started like any other event day: drinking, football blaring in the back round of the bar, and the day’s trophy, The Majestic Cup, on display. Heralded in MBA circles, ironically, as “the least majestic trophy in the league” it is the hardware that represents the better (bowling) sex, male or female. “We know that there is a Styrofoam ball spray painted gold on top of the Majestic Cup,” said chapter leader Dan Derwin between sips of warm Bud Light. “The money the league put into the banner balances everything out.”
The guys and girls of the league were divided amongst the lanes to bowl 2 games each and have their total scores added up, and divided by the amount of players per side (11 guys vs 13 girls).
Mike Dillon, a force in the 2012-13 season, had gotten off to an unimpressive start this year. Dillon took Game 1 of the Great Divide with a 218 score, therefore putting the guys team on his proverbial shoulders. “It’s definitely the highest score in my MBA career.” He said. “Fuck off…” was the only quote we could get from him later in the night as he stormed away from Lane 20 with the score “130” for Game 2.
On the girls side, veteran Leigh Janicki and rookie Jess Winder were keeping their team afloat for most of the night, while Knock’ Em Back Masters sensations Maggi Sue Weaver and Sara Frank put in terrible performances that would forever (this season) haunt their chance at touching the Majestic Cup. “I’m completely ashamed.” Ms. Frank told the MBA press via hologram. “I had no inspiration from my soul mate Mark Eadicicco, who is somewhere gallivanting with comic books.”
The competition ended up being closer than expected, but in the end, the guys took the trophy for the second year in a row with a team average of 134.5. “I finally won something after being in the league for 3 months!” quipped John Esposito as took off his bowling shoes in Mister Rogers fashion. “I know I don’t keep the trophy, but just being in a photo with the boys behind that banner made my Christmas dream come true.” a teary-eyed Tom Connors told the MBA press as he walked to his car.
With next month’s Caucasian Open, the sexes will not be divided, but united. We just hope that the bad blood can settle between now and January 19th.
Other notables for the evening include:
*After a lengthy absence to start the 2013-14 season, Shari Gessin finally returned to the Staten Island Chapter and dominated play. Well, not dominated (67 & 89), but she returned none the less. “It’s great to be back and melt into the leaderboard with a lukewarm performance.” Gessin said. “It was also great to get right back into the swing of things and curse at today’s champions.”
*The gutter trash award was probably the most contested trophy of the Great Divide. Newcomer Bari Reiter put up an impressive 10 gutter ball performance. Only throwing 5 gutters at October’s Sweetness Open, Reiter felt that she had more to give. “I practiced a little bit in the last two months, and I couldn’t be happier.” She said. “Actually I’d be happier if 10 gutters were enough to win today.” That honor would be for Mary Hanna, but she left before the trophy could be presented to her. “She thinks she’s better than everyone else…or possible worse?” Melissa Leigh told the press after she accepted the award on Hanna’s behest. Now a 2x Gutter Trash Award recipient, Hanna would text league officials later that night saying “This baby is going right next to the one I won at least year’s Caucasian Open, and that Dixie Chick’s CD….which isn’t bad actually.”
*In exciting news Jessica and Brian Galvin missed the Great Divide so they could welcome the littlest Mediocre Bowling Association member to the world, their daughter: Nora Mae! Jenny Manger, Nora's aunt, was at the event, representing for the family. When asked if she should be at the hospital, she responded, "We'll she's not due till almost midnight, so I can squeeze in a few games, go watch the wrestling match, get some chinese food, grab some groceries and give myself a facial before heading over." Everyone is doing great and Jess and Brian are eager to start teaching Nora the ways of bowling poorly. "We're going to start her off early, no bumpers - get her to really embrace those gutters," Brian was overheard saying in the hospital waiting room. Congrats to the whole family!
Nov 24, 2013
The Mediocre Bowling Association, for the first time, has a two-time champion.
The Staten Island Chapter’s 2013 Knock’Em Back Masters kicked off for the second time on a cloudy November Sunday, with a mix of members who consider themselves “Grizzled Veterans’ of this tournament, and a group of new members not knowing what the hell “The Golden Colt” even was. “I thought somebody had simply left a bottle of Colt 45 on the bar,” a confused Geoff Celis told the local beat writers at the Showplace Bar. “It looks like a used bottle that was lined with gold glitter, and glued to a wooden base.” John Esposito chimed in.
The trophy was making its second appearance, after bowing to the clutches of Mike Calascibetta, last November’s champion.
For the first time in league history, handicaps were introduced, using scores accumulated from last month’s Sweetness Open. With this leg up, some of the chapter’s more “impaired" bowlers would now be able to compete with several of the league’s upper echelon. “I’ve been championing this idea since day one,” claimed Todd Currier, who used Skype from his booth at The Outback Steakhouse to talk to an MBA media official. “I’ll be happy to abuse it.”
With the tournament underway and handicaps in the system, the bowlers became focused on the competition. During Game 1, all of the attention was on Lane 26. Maggi Weaver and “Brown” Sara Frank were having career nights, ending their games with 4 strikes and 3 strikes respectively. “I can’t believe it! I don’t know how it happened because I'm bombed.” Ms. Frank told us, finishing the game with an all time best 182 (HC). “I'm not as drunk, but I’m still amazed!” Maggi yelled over Sara’s shoulder, with a 162 (HC) final.
As Game 2 started, all the talk was about the more than likely emergence of a new Masters’ champion. Unprecidented scores by previously overlooked players, began to emerge. Ryan Petersen with a 154.5 and Keith Paras with a 153.5 had brief hopes to take home the Colt and Sean Kuhl, who had a lukewarm first game, by HIS standards this season, began to dominate again - striking fear that he would come in first place for the 3rd time consecutively this season with his final average of 158. But on the slowest lane, 22, Mike Calascibetta quietly rediscovered his championship form. With zero fanfare and flying under the radar, he bowled a 150 & 189 (169.5 AVG) to take home his second consecutive Big Lebrewski Trophy. To a smattering of boos, he shook the Chapter Leader’s hand and accepted his prize with a more confident face, than a surprised one. “No one is happy about this but me, I know.” said Mike as he finished his Perrier water. “But as long as I’m qualified to be in this league, I’ll never apologize.”
On this, a career night for some, those who are willing to dare must knock this man from the perch high above their shoulders, but with the addition of handicaps this year, the competition is looking fierce!
Other notables for the evening included:
*Ryan Petersen and Heather Paras, among others, had career nights, with a 177 (192 HC) and a 92 (130 HC) respectively. When asked by the MBA media via telephone whether or not these feats can be repeated, Ryan asked “Who is this?” Mrs. Paras, when asked about her steady improvement and what it means to her future of Gutter Trash Awards, she replied “I have 4 of them already from last year. Although I would love another, I would take one of the main event trophies any day.”
*On the domestic violence front, Mark Eadicicco was overheard yelling at Sara Frank about falling apart in the second game. With a 182 start, she could have secured the first Big Lebrewski of her career. “I told her to ‘just win it' so I could walk by it every morning and pretend that it’s mine,” Mark told us while holding Ms. Frank’s wrist. “She fucking blew it!”
*Liz Calascibetta walked away with this months gutter Trash Award, which meant for the first time ever both trophies will live in the same household. "I was hoping it would be me and Heather getting the honors this month, but we really shit the bed," Keith Parascandola later stated.
Oct 31, 2013
Staten Island, NY
What a difference a year makes!
The second season for the Staten Island Chapter of the Mediocre Bowling Association previewed last month during the MBA’s Chapter Invitational, where old and new members alike came to mingle, shake off the cobwebs and try to take home a piece of MBA history. Members who had attended every event last season competed for The Punctual Pumpkin Award in a game that would foreshadow the start of the 2013-14 MBA season.
Sean Kuhl, who couldn't lie, cheat or steal his way to the top last year walked away from that event with the Pumpkin for highest score among the qualified few.
"I bowled a 209 last season and still couldn't fucking win anything." Kuhl said over a cup of hot cocoa while he buffed his ball. "This year I'm not taking a back seat to anyone."
And he wasn’t kidding. In the first game of The Sweetness Open, Mr. Kuhl bowled an already impressive 142 before taking his game up to the next level with a 186 in the next game.
“I thought this league was supposed to be for Mediocre players?” muttered member Kevin Rogers after he finished his first game with a 68. “I better step it up.”
New members basked in the glow of their rookie season. Kerry McKeever, with daughter Sadie in tow, enjoyed the sights, foul language, and competitive edge the MBA showed. "My kid just danced with Keith the whole time while Tom farted and drank," she told the league office via email "I didn't bowl too bad either." referring to her 99.3 average for the night.
As the night progressed, the event's leaders began to emerge; and they weren't who you’d assume based on last season’s stats. "I can't believe my banner is hanging up. I've completely shit the bed," said Mike Calascibetta, the reigning chapter champion after his first game scored an impressively mediocre 84. "Well, I started off slow last year too, so fuck off."
Mike Dillon and Leigh Janicki, who both took home medals during The Sweetness Open last season bowled respectable averages for the night, but the competition was too fierce this year and they left the lanes empty handed, shells of their former selves.
A nail biting 3-way battle between ensued between a confident Sean Kuhl, a determined Justin Krstinic, and Chapter Leader Dan Derwin. "All I do is buy and make these trophies, I want one goddamit!" several bystanders overheard Derwin comment while numbers were being crunched after the event.
In the final frames, Krstinic, with the gleam of concentration in his eyes took the advantage and edged Derwin out of second place by only 3/10ths of a point.
First place? Mr. Sean Kuhl whose third game at 145 cemented his position in first place for the evening with an average of 157.6 and made him the player to beat this season. "This is going right next to my Punctual Pumpkin,” he told league officials via FaceTime “and don’t worry, there’s plenty of space on my shelf for more."
Other notables for the evening included:
*Last year's 1st place winner Michael Cruz was nowhere to be found at the time of the first pin drop. The last anyone heard from him, he was cursing about the New York Jets via Facebook. He even claimed in the days prior to The Sweetness that he took off from work just for the event. At press time, he could not be reached for comment.
*Karen Karyczak garnered respect for taking home this event's The Gutter Trash Award. Jen Grunwald, who was next in line for the Award, began casting spurious accusations that Karen had others throwing her ball for her, thus resulting in the impressive 16 gutter balls by the event's end. Since no Chapter or MBA officials witnessed anyone throwing for Mrs. Karyczak, the victory stood, but Jen Grunwald promised revenge at the next event. "I'll throw the fucking game if I have to, that trophy is mine," Ms. Grunwald was overheard saying in the parking lot.
*Returning members finally got their chance to see the rookie's in action and the competition looks fierce! New members Geoff Celis and Jess Winder looked especially intimidating walking away from the event with a 143.6 and 111.6 average respectively - giving returning members a run for their money and already looking good for the newest trophy added to the MBA's year end give-away: The Rookie of the Year Award. We'll keep you updated throughout the season on the status of the trophies contenders.
Sep 22, 2013
Staten Island, NY
On a cool summer night last Saturday at the local watering hole known as Mother Pugs Saloon, the Staten Island Chapter paid tribute to a man who left it all out on the lanes last March (but kept his pants on).
Michael Calascibetta after defeating Mike Dillon in the final round of the Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship, 162 to 126, won the Munson Cup and proudly displayed it at his home until a few weeks ago when it was collected by MBA officials to be engraved with his name. The coveted cup, and several other league trophies were proudly displayed in an attempt to lure eager young mediocre bowlers from all over the borough into joining the league.
Mike Dillon reluctantly watched from the crowd as his foe was honored. "Fuck that guy!" he said in between bites of baked ziti as Chapter leader Dan Derwin introduced Calascibetta to the crowd eagerly awaiting his commemorative banner unveiling.
Calascibetta was introduced to a smattering of boos and hisses. Finally, he himself took to the microphone to make a short acceptance speech he had prepared. "Thanks to Dan and Hillary for putting all of this together. Also to Leigh, who was having a nervous breakdown, sorry she couldn't be here tonight. To Mike Dillon, go fuck yourself." At this point, Glenn Frey's "You Belong To the City” could be heard over the PA to the sight of Dan Derwin standing on a ladder, shakily removing a satin cover from the ceiling.
Underneath was the "2012-13 Munson Cup Champion banner with Calascibetta's name on it. "It will be hang here until the end of time, or until a drunk league member rips it off to urinate on it," Staten Island Chapter member Ryan Petersen was overheard stating. "How do you say his last name?" was also muttered sources say.
After the unimpressive banner ceremony, Joe Demaso and Kerbivore took to the stage for some musical tribute.
But the banner unveiling was not the only tradition, some might say curse, started that weekend. Sunday the league met for its first ever pre-season event, The MBA Chapter Invitational. Several league members, including some of its newest recruits, met to shake hands, shake of the cobwebs, and show off their balls (and new bowling balls).
A handful of lucky devils qualified for a trophy at the Invitational, The Punctual Pumpkin Award. The newest MBA event is strictly for members who last year attended every regular season event. "I usually call out the MBA for being classist, but since I qualified for this tournament, I'm in complete agreement with them," said Todd Currier via his post on BrownBowlersBoard.mx.
The bowlers assembled around the lanes, which were situated next to a group of blind bowlers. Sources have told us that nobody in attendance could tell the difference between the two groups.
In the two games played, the quality of play hadn't changed much from last season. "80's, 90's, 140's, 50's are what I've been told to expect." new league member Bari Reiter told us via email. Sean Kuhl, a qualified Invitational participant, bowled a 184 and 164 to take the inaugural trophy. "I've been waiting a long time for a piece of MBA hardware," he said afterwards to a smattering of boos and pumpkin shaped head insults. "Hopefully this is sign of things to come for the upcoming season." We'll see if this is true starting with The Sweetness Open on October 20th.
Other notables for the evening included:
*For the first time in league history, the bar at Showplace was closed upon the Staten Island Chapter's arrival. Angry members were discussing brown bag options, relocation, suicide, et al. "I'm out of here. I'm going to my own bar," said KC Pugs. With a little bit of convincing, somebody who'd like to remain anonymous, we'll call her Melissa Roche, grabbed the TV remote from behind the bar and turned on the NY Giants game. The manager then came in and opened up shop for the handful of thirsty bowling lords. "I take back almost everything I said about this place," said Heather Paras. League officials have been fully assured that the bar will never be closed on game day again.
*The bowling alley has integrated new technology to the lanes. You can now have your picture taken at the screen and have it added to virtual puppets who dance on the score screens (ala Jib Jab). "This is the kind of innovation that the world has been waiting for on bended knee," shouted David Derwin as he watched his character get its face blown off by Mike Dillon’s cowboy character. This revolution will guarantee poorer scores from the best to the worst bowlers.
*Michael Calascibetta, who was "too good" to attend the pre-season event the night after his honorary banner unveiling, was busy buying a bigger apartment where he plans on filling the extra space with more MBA hardware. "It's the only reason I'm moving," he told MBA news. His banner at Mother Pugs Saloon has not yet been set ablaze as of press time.
Jul 4, 2013
MBA Headquarters - New York, NY
After a 3 ½ months of forgetting what the hell bowling is, the Mediocre Bowling Association is proud to announce that preparation for the 2013-14 season has officially begun. While a much needed “Spring Break” was necessary (to celebrate Candice Bergen’s birthday, Flag Day and watching re-runs of Falcon Crest), we are happy to finally be back behind our desks at corporate HQ doing what we do best: procrastinating! On today, the nations birthday, we remember those who fought for our freedom to bowl terribly and look ahead to what will be many months of mediocre showmanship, foul language, and a tremendous lack of bowling skill.
With the new season will come changes (trophy additions, better web site navigation, a few rule changes) that will be explained in full over the next month.
While pre-registration for returning members opens TODAY, brand new members will have their chance to sign up starting Sunday July 14th. Each chapter will hold a max of 60 people so be sure to sign up before the rookies get an opportunity to steal your spots. Don’t sleep on your chance to show us your shitty bowling and tell your friends!
Apr 1, 2013
Staten Island, New York
(A week later) Breaking News: The Roy L. Munson Cup, in the Mediocre Bowling Association’s inaugural season, has found a temporary home in Greenpoint, Brooklyn.
Michael Calascibetta defeated regular season champion Michael Dillon in the Chapter Championship last week to take home the coveted cup. There were sweat rings under their arms and tears in their eyes, but in the end all that was left was a hearty handshake between the competitors. A lot led up to this glorious moment, so let's recap:
The day started off with some season highlight trophies being handed out. "The Helen Dillon Memorial Trophy," for the most strikes in a Chapter's regular season, was awarded to Michael Dillon (with 20 strikes). The award happened to be named after his own grandmother, who would have been banned from the MBA under rule 432.A, in which a bowler "can't be great".
Jennifer Manger was, also, honored with the Most Mediocre Bowler "Trophy". This award, a bowling pin custom painted by tattoo artist Matt Grosso, of the future Lancaster, PA Chapter, was awarded to her for her dominance in the middle of the pack. "I'm so happy I won both this AND the 'Average' Average Award this year," Ms. Manger told us afterwards. "I'm only 9 awards away from being able to just bowl from home."
After all that self-congratulation was over, The Honorable Munson Wild Card round began, which pit the non-playoff participants against each other in a 1 game Elimination round. The winner would claim the Honorable Munson trophy and the real prize: the 8th seed in the playoff bracket, to go up against 1st seed Dillon. Of the 14 bowlers involved, 3 emerged throughout the intense game as true contenders. Mike Cruz showed promise in the beginning, but would begin to "shit the bed" towards the end. "I purposely finished way sooner than Dan Derwin and Pat Felitti, so I would know my fate just by watching them." Mr Cruz told the MBA via email. "It was like watching a west coast playoff game."
Derwin and Felitti were neck and neck the entire game, but it would be Pasquale who would take the victory by a mere 10 points (144 to 134). "This is the greatest thing I've ever accomplished." Felitti blushed as he was presented the Honorable Munson Trophy. "This is going on proud display at my own Tricky Dick's Bar & Lounge." "If I didn't have stitches on my bowling arm from getting in a street fight with a bunch of children high on PCP, I would have run him into the ground." a dejected Chapter Leader Dan Derwin told the media in a post game interview. "Whatever, I can always just ban him next season."
Now, with the HM game in the rearview and the Wild Card spot filled, the playoff bracket could get underway. The eliminated members continued bowling in adjacent lanes becoming more unruly in their disappointment while the first round of competition heated up. For the most part, the higher seeds dominated the lower seeds with the exception of the 4/5 match up of Justin Krstinic and Sean Kuhl. Sean narrowly defeated Krstinic 121 to 104. "It was a well fought game, and I'm just happy to be moving on." Kuhl said. Krstinic, who was in parking lot crying into a large Wendy's fry, declined comment.
The second round had a little bit more drama to it. Dillon and Kuhl were pretty much neck and neck until the end, with Dillon dominating the last 2 frames. Kuhl would NOT throw his phone into a tray of french fries, instead opting to give Dillon an aggressive middle finger. On the other lane, Leigh Janicki, facing Mike Calascibetta, was as nervous as anyone could ever be in a mediocre bowling tournament and was rolling along at a blistering pace. That is until the 6th frame, when lining up to knock down 1 pin for the spare the lane reset, voiding the rest of the frame. Although the math would be figured out after a 5 minute delay, this was enough to "rattle the cage" and sent her into a tailspin. "I know it was all figured out, but it already ruined my concentration." a frazzled Leigh was quoted. “Let’s just say, that $5 I slipped to the high school kid at the front desk was the best money I ever spent,” Calscibetta was overheard saying to his fiancé on the phone after the match.
The 2013 Finals were finally matched up: Mike Dillon vs Mike Calascibetta and the tension was thick. Members gathered around, abandoning their games to holler and heckle the final players. Dillon, who relied on the fact that he selected Calascibetta as a teammate in the Caucasian Open, didn't think he'd try his best to defeat a former Captain. "It's just common courtesy." Dillon claimed. It was another match that would come down to the wire. With just about everybody in Chapter watching, these two would sweat, scream, and curse until the last throw. But it would be Mike Calascibetta that would take home the glory. "THREE fucking trophies this season." Calascibetta proudly proclaimed. "It was a tough one to swallow, but the better man won." Dillon told the press. "Losing to one of the 'Brothers Night' isn't easy for anyone to handle...I'll get him next year."
Other notables for the evening included:
*Jenny Manger would end up narrowly end up defeating Ryan Petersen for the Most Mediocre Bowler award by .3 points on the average. "Fuck." is what Petersen would text Chapter Leader Hillary Scott from 5 feet away. Next season, MBA Commissioners announced, this award will be handed out at the end of the final regular season event instead of the "Average" Average Trophy. "It's nice that I'll have the only one." Jenny proclaimed. "I still haven't had a cup of coffee from it yet."
*Heather O'Shea would end up winning her 3rd Gutter Trash Award, but not before quickly leaving after her elimination from the Honorable Munson Wild Card. Sources claim there was some sort of "Family Party" that was more important. League officials are currently investigating and she will be duly fined if there was any kind of treason happening, such as rushing off to participate in another League. She will be given the award at her earliest convenience.
*After what can only be described as “a very successful” first season, The MBA would like to thank everybody that signed up this year and had a great time with us. Although the offseason is long, we are looking to add an event to September which will be announced officially later on. Also, as more chapters open (we hope!) this summer, talks of a future April event have begun where all chapters will meet up in a neutral location to battle it out in a Worldwide Championship of Mediocre Bowling. More on this rumor as it unfolds. Regardless, we will all meet up this summer for some extra-curricular bowling and drinking. Looking forward to everyone coming back, and some new faces, in the 2013-2014 season!
*Todd Currier, who didn't attend the MBA’s final event, was rumored to have fallen asleep watching the Hobbit on his Bob-O-Pedic recliner. Preliminary reports show that his legs were indeed twitching the whole time.
Mar 21, 2013
Staten Island, New York
Well, the matchups have been posted, the shit talking has begun, and Staten Island's Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship is shaping up to be one to remember. We here at the MBA don't condone slander, unless it involves the league itself, but in preparation for this Sundays event the top 7 and contenders for the Honorable Munson/Wild Card Spot have been jawing relentlessly, online, at bars and to the press. The MBA, also, posted a poll (if you missed it, check the site more frequently!) in which 1,452,567 fans of mediocre bowling voted on who they thought would prevail in the tournament's match ups and end up with their hands on the bowling chapter's holy grail: The Munson Cup. Below, we have some quotes from our contenders on how they hope to perform in the Playoffs, and have posted the resulting percentages of who our fans pick to win. Let 's begin:
1st Seed: Mike "Swim" Dillon (100%) vs 8th Seed: Honorable Munson/Wild Card Champion (0%)
Mike says: "So I've come to realize that my mediocre greatness had dubbed me the first seed against this so called "contender" that shall currently remain an enigma to my marvelous skill set. I challenge all potential Wild Card competitors to step up their game cause I'm taking home the victory. EAT SHIT!"
2nd Seed: Leigh "The Leighmur" Janicki (79%) vs 7th Seed: Mark "Tiger" Eadicicco (21%)
Leigh says: "My heart starts pounding when I try to shit talk...Leighmur vs Tiger 2013!! I do hope I get to do my victory dance:
Mark says: "It's about time I was allowed to enter this competition. I feel like I can be the only legitimate winner because of the illegitimate nature of me weaseling my way in to the top 7. I do plan on refraining from drinking until I get eliminated, at which point I plan on getting bombed and hopefully negatively influencing the rest of the tournament."
3rd Seed: Mike "Kike" Calasibetta (61%) vs 6th Seed: Jon "JBob" Marotte (39%)
Jon says: "Fake Cousin VS Real Cousin. Where's my soon-to-be man servant Mike Cal-a-whatever?"
Mike says: "Only thing I'll be serving is tissues to dry your eyes after I'm finished with you in the first round."
4th Seed: Justin "Justin" Krstinic (50%) vs 5th Seed: Sean "C-Big" Kuhl (50%)
Justin says: "We're bowling Sunday??"
Sean says: "The match between Justin and I will be a gentleman's game. There will be cigars, brandy and a hearty handshake conveying well wishes for the victor as he ventures further down the path towards glory. There's also the slight chance of me screaming fuck and throwing my phone again."
We'll find out who can back up their words this Sunday, when the curtain closes on the 2012-13 season.
Mar 5, 2013
-Staten Island, U.S.S.R.
What the Caucasian Open is all about: Pardi Gras
The White Russian Trophy, by popular opinion, is a symbol of freedom, courage, and hard partying. But for those who attended the Staten Island Chapter's 2013 Caucasian Open, it only symbolized one thing: domination. "To have my name on this trophy, along with taking second place in The Sweetness Open in this MBA's inaugural season is a wonderful way to start my bowling career." Captain of "Team Hard Drugs" Mike Dillon told the media after the day's events. Dillon, along with his teammates, Mike Calascibetta, his bride-to-be Elizabeth Gaede, Dave Derwin, and Joe "The Anchor" Frontierre, took home this month's top prize.
For this event, the top 5 players on the leaderboard (Dillon, Krstinic, Kuhl, Janicki and Marotte) were designated captains and chose their teams from "Talent Brackets", talent being a term used VERY loosely. Brackets were based on members current positions on the leaderboard to ensure no team had too many ringers, each team had a member of all skill levels. Once the teams were chosen they then competed against each other to be the best lane of the evening.
The champions pose with a Stalin treasure. Wait, why is Jon Marotte in this picture. YOU LOST.
At one point during the first game, Ryan Petersen pointed out that both Dillon & Calascibetta were bowling in the 140's and showed his displeasure. "Yeah? You fuckin' serious?" he said while pointing at their scores. He didn't elaborate, but his point was felt across all of the other lanes. Dillon and company would go on to win both games 1 & 2 without much to look at in their rearview mirror. Joe Frontierre told the media as he was walking to his car that this was "...the easiest I've ever had to work for a championship" and also recommended to future participants that "The captains selecting their teams love to be reminded how great they are." and that "Playful tickling goes a long way". Mike Dillon refused to comment on the subject other than telling us that Joe was "Absolutely right".
Elsewhere, players were embracing the spirit of their teams. High fives were given and curses were spewn across lanes. James Felitti, a non-member, was spectating while sipping a few beverages of his own. "I like what I see, and I'll probably sign up next season," he said while wiping Kahlua from his lips. "The drinking is the easiest part". Shortly after this conversation, James was led out by MBA security for trying to smuggle the White Russian Trophy into his car using his flimsy sweatshirt. His membership request in the coming offseason will be seriously considered before being denied.
Patron Silver (Awarded to the M.E.S.S. champion), Dixie Chicks Compact Disc (Awarded to the M.E.S.S. disgrace), and a very masculine radio are seen on the M.E.S.S. Lane
One lane stood out amongst the herds, that of protest group M.E.S.S. (Mediocre Equality Standing Strong). The group led by "Sassy" Todd Currier, demonstrated at the event after a month of speaking out against the Open for being "racist". "I started this group and obviously have some great support," Currier told us during the first game while drinking a Brown Russian. "We have people of all backgrounds on this team, and plan on just doing our own thing, in peace. We aren't too concerned with the tournament happening around us." On the table at the S.A.S.S. lane, we spotted a pink radio blasting a static-ridden "How Bizarre" and other latin hits. Also, a bottle of Patron Silver and a Dixie Chicks CD, which were to be handed out to the lane's best and worst of the afternoon, respectively. "Hillary may have won the booze, but I FINALLY have 1999's Best Country Album Grammy winner!" said Mary Hanna, who, in an unexpected twist would also take home the Caucasian Open's Gutter Trash Award. "This is a cause I can believe in. Hopefully next year, the award will be "God Shuffled His Feet" by the Crash Test Dummies.
Chapter Leader Dan Derwin presents M.E.S.S. / MBA member Mary Hanna with a middle finger. Oh, and the Gutter Trash Award to go with her Dixie Chicks CD for last place
While most eyes were on the event's Communist Cup, some players had worries beyond the day. Mike Cruz was seen talking to Chapter Leader Dan Derwin asking who "Mike Calascibetta" was. At game time, Cruz was only .3 points behind Calascibetta for the final playoff spot. "I'd like to know who I'm going to start a fight with before I actually do it" he told us via email. However, after a day spent on M.E.S.S.'s lane doing more drunken salsa than bowling, he would end up in 12th place overall - 5 spots out of the coveted "Top 7". "Now I'm just like everybody else in the Honorable Munson, just trying to survive."
Next month, the top 7 will wait and watch everybody else in the chapter play a 1 game elimination, highest score wins the 8th seed in the Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship. Then, a playoff bracket will put the first overall contender against the Honorable Munson winner, second place vs seventh, and so forth. "I already have massive anxiety about this." Leigh Janicki posted on the Facebook event's page. The league anticipates a lot of commotion and shit talking during next months Chapter Championhip, with no shortage of alcoholic malaise. "Whether I'm in it or out of it, I plan on just talking all kinds of shit while rooting for the underdog" said Keith Parascandola. "as long as they're a fan of wresting."
Other notables for the evening included:
* With the final regular season event in the books, the list of people officially disqualified from making it past the Honorable Munson has gone viral. They can play to win the hardware and get into other players heads, but cannot advance to the Chapter Championship 8th seed. These players are: Sharon Derwin, KC Pugs, Karen Karyczak, Jessie Kuffner, and Sara Frank. Sharon Derwin finished 2nd on the leaderboard, but with so few games played many members felt that the numbers were a mirage. "Even I could bowl a 131 once" said Carl Gallagher. "Fortunately, there are rules in place." Mrs. Derwin couldn't be reached at her Port Charlotte, FL home, but we assume her quote would be "Fuck!"
*Jessica Galvin went form having 0 spares in the first 3 season events (including the Knock' Em Back Masters, which she didn't attend), to having a season total of 11 (Six & five in the last 2 events respectively). When asked about her sudden surge in productivity, including a 131 in Game 1 of the TDK Memorial, Jess told us "Once I realized I had a better shot at getting the Wild Card slot than making the top 7, I was able to relax and just focus on my game. Also, between going on vacation without my husband, and bowling today on a different lane than him, I'm becoming a free woman with unlimited bowling possibilities."
*The Gutter Trash Award has been handed out 5 times this season with 4 different winners (Heather O'Shea 2x, Jennifer Grunwald 1x, Melissa Roche 1x, Mary Hanna 1x). Hillary Scott was asked about how proud she is about the competition regarding this prestigious award. "It's great to see so many losers getting the same opportunities," she told us in between throws on Lane M.E.S.S. "We are proud to see the award end up on so many different trophy shelves, as long as it doesn't fuckin' end up on mine. Ayayayayayayayayaaa"
*MBA member #36 Jennifer Grunwald shocked the crowds when she blew her previous MBA career high score (66) out of the water with a 105. "Somebody finally told me that we're trying to knock the pins down at the end of the lane, so I just aimed at them. Why didn't someone tell me this before?" she was quoted as saying after her big win. She followed her excellent game with a respectful 73 for an event average of 89, an impressive exhibition all around. Now that she understands the point of the game, Ms. Grunwald is officially on the list of "Ones to watch" for this months Honorable Munson.
* The Caucasian Open is the final regular season event in the MBA calendar. With the playoffs coming later this month, we will then enter the off-season. One source inside the big wig's office tells us that there has been so much clamoring for a longer season that the rumors at MBA HQ includes adding a pre-season event next September (code name: Mixer). The event will be a simple warm up to get ready for the grueling 2013-14 year with no ramifications on season averages. "We were, also, told that only members who attended all 5 regular season events the previous year (Sweetness through Caucasian), we be eligible to part take in a special tournament for an unknown trophy that day," said the source. " It will be an 'Invitational' of sorts, while the rest of the chapter simply warms up. This should inspire members to up their attendance in future seasons." More on this rumor at a later date.
Feb 24, 2013
MBA Headquarters - New York, NY
After a very exciting Caucasian Open, the Staten Island Chapter of the Mediocore Bowling Association are proud to announce the final playoff seeding for it's Roy L Munson Chapter Championship on Sunday March 24th, 2013 at Showplace Entertainment Center. The top 7 players in the chapter are seeded based on their final regular season average, as well as their season attendance. Players must have attended at LEAST 3 out of the 5 regular season events between October and February. Here is the bracket:
1st - Mike Dillon (132.3) vs 8th - ____________________
2nd - Leigh Janicki (129.7) vs 7th - Brian Galvin (118.2)
3rd - Mike Calascibetta (128) vs 6th - J.R. Marotte (121.8)
4th - Justin Krstinic (125.2) vs 5th - Sean Kuhl (123)
The 8th Seed will be determined by EVERYONE ELSE in a 1 game, highest score, winner take all Wild Card Match, called: The Honorable Munson. Once the winner is determined, the bracket will get under way. The playoffs are also ONE GAME ELIMINATION, and will be reseeded after each round until we have ourselves a champion. This all takes place in the same day, with a slightly earler game time of 3:00pm. Let the shit talking begin.
**To be clear, EVERYONE in the chapter is invited to participate in the Honorable Munson Wild Card regardless of qualification. A disqualified player WON'T be able to move up in the event of a win, but they can keep the hardware. The NEXT QUALIFYING SCORE will move into the 8th seed. We encourage players to get in there and get into the heads of those trying to advance!**
Aug 16, 2012
Dan Derwin of Staten Island, NY has stepped up to the role of Chapter Leader, making the "forgotten borough" the first Chapter of the Mediocre Bowling Association.
When asked why he was so eager to volunteer he said "I'm terrible at bowling. There are a lot of people who are terrible at bowling. There should be a place where we can get together and try to out do each other anyway."
Staten Island Ferry with sunrise, 1999
While the new Chapter has yet to adopt a logo, a representative for the MBA did confirm the colors would be modeled after the Staten Island Ferry's orange and navy motif. "We want each Chapter's logo and colors to have local flavor, orange and blue seemed like the obvious choice for a Chapter representing Staten Island."
The Staten Island, NY Chapter is recruiting now! Applications can be found on the "Join" page of the MBA website, www.theMBAstinks.com.
As a final message to prospective members Derwin promised "We're looking forward to a good season, lots of beer and even more gutter balls."
Aug 15, 2012
MBA Headquarters - New York, NY
The Mediocre Bowling Association announced its inaugural season today, becoming the first official nationwide bowling league for those players who generally average 140 or less. Untalented bowlers rejoiced at the news while clamoring to sign up. Rioters spilled out onto the street in excitement, while police prepared to control the scene.
"What an exciting time to be a shitty bowler, they're taking everybody!" one bowling enthusiast stated.
The scene outside the location of the Mediocre Bowling Association press conference, no one was injured.
The MBA prides itself with bowling badly and drinking well, claiming they're the league where "...all of our bowlers belong in the gutter."
While the Association has emerged without any official Chapters, a representative for the MBA stated they had been in talks with prospective Chapter Leaders and were confident that new Chapters would quickly be forming after the MBA's press conference.
The annoucement of the league comes perfectly timed one month prior to the registration closure date, September 15th. The official season start date is October 1st and the MBA is advertising that recruits can join by visiting their website www.theMBAstinks.com.