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Dec 4, 2015

Wrap Up: Calascibetta Dethroned, Kuhl Crowned Golden Colt King

The Golden Colt in all its elegant glory.

MBA CHAPTER – STATEN ISLAND, NY

Long after the 2015 Knock’em Back Masters concluded, before the last alley light was shut down and the cleaning crew asked him to leave, Mike Calascibetta was sitting by himself. Staring at his velcro bowling shoes, he could only muster these words to say: “It’s all over.”

The confidence that was Calascibetta's undoing

Until that day, Calascibetta had won all the November classics in MBA's short history. The only “Big Lebrewski” trophies in existence were on his apartment shelf in Queens. He had even prepared a place for the 4th trophy, he told League officials. Little did he know, it would not be needed. Sean Kuhl would shatter his “#DRE4M” of being the King of November another year. “After my second game, I knew it was all over before some of the other lanes even finished,” Kuhl would say to the press while eating at Lee’s Tavern later that night.

While Calascibetta had a respectable first game, bowling a 138, it was a pale shadow of his last victories starts (150, 178 and 150, respectively). By the conclusion of Game 1, players and media alike were looking across the the alley for a new victor. Mike Dillon would score a 153 in his first game, Amy Kitchen bowled a 143 in hers. The real threat would be rookie Vincent Fiore, who shook the Chapter’s foundation by bowling a 156 in his first game, which equaled an impressive 178 with his hefty handicap (22) from the month before’s meager performance. Members noticed Fiore strolling around with his hands behind his back in a “casual way” that infuriated some. “He had a smug look that really made me angry…this is anonymous, right?” fellow rookie Ashley Dalle said to League reporters. But anger quickly dissolved into delight for Dalle as Fiore would have the biggest game-to-game drop off in Mediocre Bowling Association history by bowling a 53 in his second game, a full 103 pins lower (for those of you who cannot math)! “I have a lot to learn in this league,” Fiore said to the media afterwards. “The highs are high, but the lows are much less high.”

"I just wanted to make sure it was the same as the other ones..."

Too busy watching Fiore’s victory go down in flames, no one noticed Sean Kuhl's game scores jump from a solid 133 to an impressive 212, sealing in yet another victory for the Kuhl household. In a ceremonial passing of the torch, Calascibetta (begrudgingly, and only after being tackled while trying to steal it) presented Kuhl with the Golden Colt who graciously gave Calascibetta the finger while chanting “Loser! Loser!” in response. When it was brought up that he should still be proud of the streak he had along with the notion that it might be a long time until it’s broken, he said “Maybe that will help me sleep at night...I guess I’ll have to fill that spot on my shelf with pictures of my kid or something.” We guess he will.

True gentleman, Sean Kuhl, humbly accepts The Big Lebrewski Trophy

Other notables for the evening include:

*Sean Kuhl’s scratch score in Game 2 would fall 1 pin shy of Mike Dillon’s Mediocre Bowling Association single game record of 213 thrown in the 2013 Great Divide. Breaking the 200 mark is reserved for elite company, but it also draws the ire of fellow members who feel they don’t belong. “Take a hike,” Todd Currier said via FaceTime while sitting in his Bob-O-Pedic preparing for the WWE Survivor Series to air.

*Rookie Jared Reiter would take home the first Gutter Trash Award of his career. It only took 7 gutters, but he got the job done. The combination of his early departure from the award ceremony and the Chapter Leader’s negligence in forgetting to bring the trophy to the bowling alley anyway made for one of the less memorable Gutter Trash presentations in League history.

*Chapter Leader and League CEO Dan Derwin would take home his first ever Dude award as well.  With his ticket punched to the Mediocre Cup Finals, things will get interesting if he ends up in the top 7 seeds of the Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship. “Lets hope it doesn’t come to that dreadful decision,” he said. “I almost hope I miss the top 7.” “He’s only saying that in case he doesn’t qualify…that losing was his intention the entire time…don’t tell him I told you though.” co-Leader Hillary Scott told the rest of the league in a group text on the side. 

Leigh Janicki's face is the only caption needed...

*Never since Tonya Harding attacked Nancy Kerrigan, has there been such an attempt of malicious of sport injury. Kevin Rogers, apparently threatened by Chapter Leader Hillary Scott's tough competition at the last event (113,120), attempted ankle-breaking-by-bowling-ball while she snapped pictures. Thanks to her cat-like reflexes, Scott escaped unscathed though she continued to wail "Why me?????" while other league members looked on in horror. "I can't believe he'd sink that low," Jon Robert Marrotte was overheard commenting to fellow League member Leigh Janicki after the ruckus, "Now we know...if you're bowling well, he's coming after you."

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Oct 29, 2015

Wrap Up: Celis Finishes on Top, Again; Rookies Dominate Sweetness Open

 MBA CHAPTER - STATEN ISLAND, NY

On a beautiful autumn afternoon, 37 members of the Staten Island chapter kicked off it’s regular season for the first time at Rab’s Country Lanes. In one of the most attended games in MBA history, the usual madness would take place between old and new members alike. With a brief holding up of his bowling ball with one hand to a rousing ovation, chapter leader Dan Derwin lead the way with a 7 on his first throw. “Of course I don’t get a strike.” he would say to the press after the event.

Commissioner, Chapter Leader and all-around Gentlemen, Daniel Derwin
celebrates his first throw of the season

Game 1, which ends up being the strongest for most, came and went with not much to talk about. Keith Paras, who is recovering from a paralyzing summer injury in which his ankle went through a cement floor, bowled the poorest game of his career with a 72. “ The only thing that kept me going was my ability to limp.” Paras said in front of his visibly upset wife. “I ended up scoring a 107 and 123 to right the ship afterwards, so I’ll sleep tonight.”


Keith "Limpsy" Paras shakes it off 

Game 2 had six people bowling in 130’s, including new members Christine Beaton, Gabriel Reiter, and James Ciccone. “If I knew the league would be this easy, I wouldn’t have even practiced.” Beaton said while sketching her Munson Cup banner on the back of a lotto ticket. “I’ll see you guys at Pugs next September.” League Official, Mark Eadicicco would score the highest in Game 2 with a 141.

Game 3’s are usually where attention spans wane, and inebriation kicks in. With only a few bowlers scoring pretty high, the Sweetness Open’s contenders began to emerge. Reigning Munson Cup champion Geoff Celis would leave the competition in the dust with a 149 event average, taking home the 1st place medal. Rookie James Ciccone would take home the 2nd place medal in his MBA debut. “I can’t believe it!” Ciccone said as he slipped into his lucky New York Mets jacket. “It’s the jacket.” he insisted. Jessica Kuhl, while excited to take home her first career Sweetness medal, was partially devastated. For the second event in a row, she would finish .6 points behind another player. In last month’s Chapter Invitational, she lost by .6 points to Kevin Rogers. Today, it would be to Ciccone with a 134.6 to 134. “Next time, I’ll have somebody round up my score.” Kuhl would say publicly in a foolish manner. The MBA has officially placed her on the known offenders list.


Reigning Champion, Geoff Celis finishes on top in the first game of
the 2015-16 season, celebrates with donuts

Other notables for the evening include:

*Rookie Diane Lawler would end up taking home her first career MBA trophy, the Dude Award, with an event average of 99. The Dude Award is handed out the player who finishes closest to the event’s median score without going over ala Price is Right rules. “Now that I qualify for the Mediocre Cup Finals in March, I can relax.” Lawler said via text. “Actually, no I can’t. I left without my trophy!”

*Heather O’Shea would take home her 7th career Gutter Trash Award. O’Shea doesn’t seem to be slowing down any time soon. She’ll be using bumpers for one game in next month’s Knock’em Back Masters, so it might be possible to stay a step ahead if you’re a gutter throwing specialist. “It’s a challenge but I think I can I still get a gutter, even with bumpers.” O’shea said.

*Mike Calascibetta, who is known to have trouble with the Sweetness Open, committed the first foul of his career during the 5th frame of Game 2. “You’ll never see that again, or at least until the next event.” he vented to the bartender. Speaking of “fowls,” Jen Grunwald threw the first turkey of her career during Game 2. “You’ll never see that again, or at least…nah that’s it”. Speaking of turkeys, with Thanksgiving coming next month, look no further than the parking spaces around Rabs, which was overflowing with the critters. George Karyczak could be spotted firing up the barbecue on the sidewalk next to Rab’s; the MBA vegan community could not be reached for comment.

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Oct 5, 2015

Wrap Up: Celis Celebrated, Rogers Snags Record Attendance

MBA CHAPTER - STATEN ISLAND, NY

“When you see your banner raised to the ceiling of a dive bar, the feeling in your heart is indescribable.” - Geoff Celis, 14-15 Munson Cup Champion and internet sensation after garnering over 18 likes on this @thembastinks Instagram post

Nothing else mattered tonight. Geoff Celis was celebrated, booed, and the focal point for the Staten Island Chapter of the Mediocre Bowling Association. This annual night in September officially closes the book on the season that once was. Ahead, is the chance to step on a few heads and pile up the hardware. “Nothing will make me happier than making every other bowler feel like shit.” said Joe Tavalare, Rookie of the Year winner and Munson Cup semi-finalist for the 14-15 season.

"I've pretty much never been happy, but now that I'm engaged and bowling is back...I wonder if this is what it feels like" - Ryan Petersen, MBA Member since 2012

New members and old alike showed up to strut their stuff and scope out the competition

The following day, members took part in the 2015 MBA Chapter Invitational. This was an event for most players to shake the cobwebs off their bowling bags and bowling arms. For the select few who attended all 5 regular season events the previous year, they had a chance to take home the season’s first prestigious award, a new addition to the MBA Trophy roster. The Punctual Pumpkin was no more, replaced by “The Record Player”. “I’d love to listen to it, but it’s just a trophy.” said William Hammill, bowling and vinyl enthusiast who came to observe the opening day festivities.

Justin Krstinic makes up for lost time on the lanes by simultaneously psyching out 3 opponents at the same time. 

This event was special for another reason. After 3 seasons at Showplace Bowling & Entertainment, the MBA’s Staten Island Chapter decided it was time to move on. Rab’s Country Lanes opened their doors to the league with full aplomb. Highly technological screens displaying the MBA logos and signs of welcome, could be seen across the alley. “I saw a sandwich in the bar, but we couldn't tell if it was for us or for regular customers watching the NFL.” Bari Reiter told the press. Witnesses say that the sandwich was delicious.

Once the fanfare ended, the bowling was underway. The pre-seasoners enjoyed the exhibition while the players who qualified for the Chapter Invitational came out with a bang in Game 1. MBA Sophmore Matt Wilson was looking to run away with an early lead in Game 1 with 5 strikes and a score of 152. “I was so happy, but I had a feeling it wasn't going to hold up.” he said before using his 6 gigs the night before as an excuse. He was right. In Game 2, the only players who mattered were Jessica Kuhl and Kevin Rogers. Although Rogers acted surprised, he had already done the math realizing he had won by 0.5 points,146.5 to 146. “I’m sick” said Kuhl, who won this event a year ago. “My husband* is NOT going to be happy the Kuhl house has let this year’s trophy get away.”

*Sean Kuhl won this event in its inaugural season, 2 years ago.

"Soon" - Dave Derwin

One of the hardest events to win, due to both the need to qualify by attendance and then dominate on the lanes, it is always an exciting way to start the MBA Season. We’ll see who will qualify for next years tournament starting with October’s Sweetness Open. See everybody on the 18th! 

Notables for this event include:

*After a lengthy absence, Mike Dillon looked reborn with two bowling balls in tow as well as the final scores of 162 and 155, which would have won him the title had he attended all 5 regular season events. The two-time Munson Cup finalist, is seeking his first trophy since captaining the 2013 Caucasian Open champs, Team Hard Drugs. “I’m ready to fuck things up,” he said while looking at #CatsofInstagram on his phone.

*Kevin Rogers treated his Record of the Year Award to Denino’s Brick Oven Pizza after the event. Witnesses say the trophy ordered a Chicken Roll and Mozzarella Sticks. Witnesses also say that Kevin was seen having a heated conversation with the trophy in the Ralph’s Ices line, as well. More on this story when we get additional information on what flavors they ordered.

* Justin Krstinic, who qualified for the Invitational, was running extremely late to the event. League officials allowed him to jump in when he arrived in the 8th frame of Game 1. He then proceeded to throw 4 strikes in his first 6 frames. He wouldn't be able to sustain his PCP addict-like pace. He would finish Game 2 with the score of 111. “I got too excited and blew it,” he said. “I won’t make the same mistake next month. Believe it.”

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Aug 3, 2015

2015-16 MBA Season Sign Ups Are Officially OPEN!

MBA HEADQUARTERS - NEW YORK, NY

Well, it's that time of year again. The doors to the Mediocre Bowling Association's 4th (!!) season are officially open. With a new season, comes the same low expectations and uninspired competition that takes us on an emotional journey through the Fall and Winter months while wrapping up just in time for Spring. "I personally hate the summer so this announcement gets me pumped up in ways that I shouldn't mention." said the MBA's co-CEO Hillary Scott.

The 2015-2016 season kicks off next month with September's preseason / playoffs-for-some event the MBA Chapter Invitational. While the seasons of old pile up in the rearview mirror, each event has built upon it's own rich tradition of winners and losers. Each year is a chance to mow down the competition. Who will lift the league's beloved Roy L. Munson Cup at the end of the year? Maybe it's YOU!

If you are interested in joining an existing chapter (Staten Island is our only one to date,) you may do so above by clicking on JOIN in the drop down menu, or by clicking HERE. If you live elsewhere and are interested in creating your own chapter, you may also click on JOIN in the drop down menu above and follows the instructions, or by clicking HERE. We hope to make the Mediocre Bowling Association even bigger this year with your help. We are a few steps away from making this the biggest and greatest worst bowling league in the world!

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Jul 27, 2015

Staten Island Chapter Releases 2015-16 Schedule; Signs Lucrative Deal With Rabs Country Lanes

MBA CHAPTER - STATEN ISLAND, NY

The Staten Island Chapter, in conjunction with the Mediocre Bowling Association, are proud to unveil the complete schedule for the 2015-16 season. The chapter is also proud to announce that a "Six Figure Deal" has been reached with RABS COUNTRY LANES to ensure upcoming years of "hijinks and poor bowling" to be affiliated with the famed Staten Island institution. "We couldn't be more excited." said MBA Commissioner and Staten Island Chapter Leader Dan Derwin at the press conference that was attended by ZERO people. Owner and United States Bowling Congress President Frank Wilkinson was also on hand to celebrate the union. "I don't know about this whole 'Six Figures' thing, but the rest of it sounds like a great idea." he said. "We're happy to have them on board."

As a part of the venue relocation, Rabs Country Lanes has thrown in some perks. Shoe rentals to our members will be FREE for all events. Members names will be placed into the lane computers before hand to ensure quicker game start ups as well. The most important perk of all, according to a chapter survey, will be holding each event check in at the Rab's High Rollers Lounge. "This bar is awesome!" said the whole chapter. The schedule is as follows:

SUNDAY SEPT. 20TH, 2015 - MBA CHAPTER INVITATIONAL

SUNDAY OCT. 18TH, 2015 - SWEETNESS OPEN

SUNDAY NOV. 22ND, 2015 - KNOCK’EM BACK MASTERS

SUNDAY DEC. 20TH, 2015 - GREAT DIVIDE

SUNDAY JAN. 17TH, 2016 - CAUCASIAN OPEN

SUNDAY FEB. 21ST, 2016 - T.D.K. MEMORIAL TOURNAMENT

SUNDAY MAR. 20TH, 2016 - ROY L. MUNSON CHAPTER CHAMPIONSHIP, MEDIOCRE CUP FINALS, HONORABLE MUNSON WILD CARD

** ALL CHECK IN TIMES WILL BE AT 4PM, WITH GAMES SET TO BEGIN BY 4:30 **

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Jun 22, 2015

Source: MBA Summer Slumber to End July 1st

MBA HEADQUARTERS - NEW YORK, NY

According to a few decorated league sources, the Mediocre Bowling Association will turn its office lights on Wednesday July 1st. Although it cannot be confirmed what time of the day said lights will be turned on, it is known that the website will be "somewhat" prepared for the 2015-2016 season in regards to both chapter and member registration. "I'm surprised the website is still up." said a current member under the condition of anonimity. "I'm at the beach, actually. Call me back."

With Geoff Celis as the reigning Munson Cup champion, there will be plenty of announcements down the pike including the championship banner raising, season schedule, and some other fun surprises.

Well, thats it. You may now return to your oceans and frisbees.

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Apr 14, 2015

A New Champion, Geoff Celis, Is Crowned, Wins Munson Cup

MBA CHAPTER - STATEN ISLAND, NY

Three events would take part on this day, with the usual Honorable Munson Wild Card round taking place first. The competition was high and the shit talking was the same as it always is. The stand outs of the tournament would be co-commissioner Hillary Scott and recently activated from the IR Leigh Janicki. They were neck and neck towards the 10th frame, but the final would be 154 and 149, in favor of Janicki who would walk away with the first Honorable Munson of her career.”Wild Card bitches!” could be heard for hours at both the lanes and on social media alike.

The difference this year, was the appearance of an innocent looking young girl with a tiara on her head watching from the sidelines as chapter members bowled. What began as an innocent admiration of drunken bowlers, slowly turned into a disturbing eye sore that “legally distracted everybody.” an anonymous Jon Marotte would claim. Bowlers would submit an official protest with the league for the duration of the “princess’s soul sucking stare down.” League officials ruled that it would be impossible for a child to impose such a distraction to it’s professional members.

Matt Meinzer, obviously distracted, by the "Tiara Trance," inset

An obviously distracted Ryan Petersen

The inaugural Mediocre Cup Finals took place next, with the five winners of the season long Dude Awards taking part in a one game, winner take all tournament. The competition started pretty close, but it would end up being a runaway with rookie Matt Meinzer taking home the Mediocre Cup with a 146 score. “I talked to the bartender and we made sure that the cup was leak proof before I filled it with beer.” Meinzer told the press as beer clearly leaked out of the bottom. “I’ll take care of this, don’t worry. He added.

"See? It's leak free!"

Finally, we had the Staten Island chapter’s 3rd Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship.

The first round was one of the most exciting in recent years. With close scores all around, it wouldn’t be until the later frames that players would be eliminated. “It was nice to see that nobody laid down.” Maggi Weaver was overheard saying as she watched her boyfriend demolish a tray of nachos. With a very golf-like atmosphere, players congratulated each other and would politely high five after each throw. Sean Kuhl would defeat Wild Card winner Leigh Janicki 124 to 112 (Kuhl has a history of bowling to the competition in his first round of the playoffs.) Geoff Celis would defeat Pat Felitti 144 to 126. Rookie of the Year Joe Tavalare would defeat February’s T.D.K. Memorial Tournament champion Mark Eadicicco 151 to 130.

“There will be a new champion!”  is what was shouted by Commissioner Dan Derwin from the very last lane at the conclusion of this match up between reigning champion Justin Krstinic and first time playoff seed Kevin Rogers. Rogers had defeated Krstinic by the slimmest of margins, 171 to 170. “I just couldn’t believe it.” Krstinic said while sitting in a corner chair with his hood up.

"I knocked you out of the tournament." "I know"

In the second round, it would seem Kevin Rogers, who rearranged his flight home from Texas to land earlier so he could partake in the tournament, was finally out of gas. He would lose to Kuhl 131 to 110. “I’m so tired, I can’t even stand.” Rogers said post game. “I’ve had my best season so far, so I can’t be too disappointed.” He sure did. Rogers finished with a career high in strikes, spares, and average, as well as sharing the season spares title with Eadicicco and Krstinic. In the other game, Celis would defeat Tavalare in a close game, 168 to 152. “This guy will be a force in this league for years to come.” Celis told random children at the lanes following his match with Tavalare.

The championship round would pit two first time finalists against each other. Neither one seemed nervous, but you could tell that neither wanted to lose. The game was low scoring, but tight as can be. Kuhn lead Celis 111 to 109 in the 8th frame, but it would be Celis who threw back to back strikes followed by a spare in the 9th and 10th frames respectively to claim his first Munson Cup. “It’s an unbelievable feeling.” he would tell local patrons at the Randall Manor Bar & Grill afterwards while celebrating. Kuhl, who was also in attendance at the celebration, took the loss well. “I have a lot of hardware from these last two seasons, but that one will have to wait.” he said.

Geoff Celis, having a chuckle with the previous winner's "Ring of Honor," wins his first Munson Cup

So will everybody else. Even though the season is over, members hope to hear “There will be a new champion!” again next year.

Other notables for the evening include:

*Your regular season award winners:

George Karyczak - Most Mediocre Bowler - 114.7 Average

Sean Kuhl - Helen Dillon Memorial Award (Most Strikes) - 29

Mark Eadicicco, Justin Krstinic, Kevin Rogers - Fred Glasier Memorial Award (Most Spares) - 36

Joe Tavalare - Rookie of the Year - 138.1 Average

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Mar 21, 2015

Playoffs: A Sneak Peek of "Who To Watch" at Tomorrow's Big Events!

MBA CHAPTER – STATEN ISLAND, NY

With tomorrow’s full slate of playoff events for the Staten Island Chapter starting in less than 24 hours, the MBA is proud to give fans around the globe a little more information on the match ups and happenings during the three events: The Honorable Munson Wild Card, Mediocre Cup Finals, and the Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship. Here goes:

Honorable Munson Wild Card:

This event is always interesting to say the least. With only game played, just about anyone has the chance to bowl an upset and take home “The Hand” trophy and sneak into the 8th seed in the Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship. Perennial Cup Finalist Mike Dillon is not only in the Wild Card pot for the first time, but he is ineligable to advance to the upper tournament, since he didn’t attend 3 out of the 5 regular season events. Sara Frank has an excellent chance of winning the Wild Card, as does Jess Kuhl and commissioner Dan Derwin, who was the 5th seed last season.

Mediocre Cup Finals:

The 5 participants this season are, in order: Matt Wilson, Rich Colletta, Jon Marotte, Sara Frank, and Matt Meinzer. If any of the above names wins the Wild Card, which will be played first, they can only participate in EITHER this tournament or the 8th seed in the RLMCC. This inaugural tournament, also one game, we at the MBA are excited to see how it turns out. “I don’t know how it will turn out.” Jon Marotte told the media. Thanks, Jon.

Roy L. Munson Chapter Championship:

1) Sean Kuhl vs 8) ?Wild Card?

This is the second year in the row that Kuhl is in the 1st seed. Last year he faced Ryan Petersen, who earned the 8th seed by winning the wild card, but then lost to the eventual champion Justin Krstinic. “I won’t take my eventual opponent lightly, and I sure as hell can’t take my foot off the gas if I win.”

2) Geoff Celis vs 7) Pat Felitti

Celis is back for revenge after losing the Mike Dillon in the second round last year. His opponent will be interesting. Pat Felitti has been here before, but the last time as the 8th seed. He went out with a whimper to Mike Dillon in 2013. This time, he’s had the kind of regular season that proved he can play with the rest.

3) Justin Krstinic vs 6) Kevin Rogers

The champ vs the most improved. Krstinic will take his rightful place in the March Badness bracket for the 3rd straight season. Rogers, who rearranged his flight home from Texas to attend the tournament, will face his toughest test in his MBA career. All eyes will be on this game for sure. 

4) Mark Eadicicco vs 5) Joe Tavalare

Eadicicco, also, has been here before in 2013. He too went out in the first round (we’re seeing a pattern here.) “Rookie of the Year” winner Tavalare has impressed all season. With a 138.1 regular season average against Eadicicco’s 139, this SHOULD be the closest battle on the docket.

We’ll see everybody tomorrow for an exciting final day of the 2014-15 season at 3:30 at the Showplace Alley bar!

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Jan 26, 2015

Wrap Up: Krstinic's Crew Crushes Competition at Caucasian Open

MBA CHAPTER – STATEN ISLAND, NY

Arguably the League's most prestigious trophy sits side by side its inspiration

The miserable rain and icy weather would keep a handful of members tucked in their beds for this January’s Caucasian Open, but a healthy 30 players would traverse bridges, roads, and adversity to get a crack at winning the tournament’s prestigious “White Russian” trophy. “My whole purpose in this life is to get my name on this thing.” Tom Connors told the press once he arrived. “Sometimes I picture myself laying on the beach trying to take a big sip from it.” Said Jocelyn Elliot.

3 veteran along with 3 rookie tournament captains would pick their teams and give it their best shot. The tournament would be just as eventful as it usually is.


Team Moops had a strong start with Kuhl and Kuhl's stellar performance in Game 1. By the end of the event, however, onlookers saw the couple going over Divorce papers citing
"Irreconcible Bowling Differences" as the reason for the SPLIT

Captain Sean Kuhl of Team Moops would kick off his Game 1 with a Hambone (4 straight strikes.) Onlookers who caught a glimpse of lane 16’s screen were already heard sighing early in the match. “Wow, big fucking surprise.” 1st overall captain Pat Felitti was heard muttering to his brother Jim. Sean’s wife Jess Kuhl and Chris Fers would also have impressive games, but the anchors known as Matt Meinzer and Phil Cadaver would pull the teams final average down to a 122.3. “I’m going to blame the alley balls for my play today.” Cadaver told a full media room after the tournament. “I started my MBA career with a turkey in my first game, so obviously I’m not a player you can dismiss in the long run.”

His team might not have won, but captain Kevin Rogers’ Team E-Bowl-A should have won by default with a name like that. Rogers continues to cement a career season for himself, bowling a personal best 169 (without handicap) in game 2. He would not be able to do it all himself though, as his team finished the day with a 123.9 average.

Derwin tried, without success, to kidnap players who were dominating on other lanes. His tactic did successfully freak out nearby bowlers, affecting their performance and possibly resulting in Sara Frank's lane loss. "I wasn't impressed with his scare tactics," Frank was quoted later from the bodega by her house, "Give him 5 minutes for unsportmanlike conduct."

On lane 17, Team Pin Pals who was being captained by Justin Krstinic had everything going for them. “I picked my team in hopes that I could catch lightning in a bottle, just like the 1986 Mets but without the coke.” Krstinic said before the games began. Krstinic, Mark Eadicicco, Ryan Petersen, and Jen Grunwald would each have a “par for the course” night. The lighting in a bottle that was being talked about ended up being Melissa Roche. Her handicapped scores of 131 and 155 were enough to push the team over the finish line with a lane average of 134, making everybody on the team a Caucasian Open champion for the first time. “We have to make smaller versions of this trophy for the winners to keep!” suggested Jen Grunwald. Calls to the league would go unanswered on this issue.

This win MARKS (pun intended) two in a row for League Official, Mark Eadicicco. Some members of the league could be heard boo-ing and hissing "Collusion" at the time of this photo.

Smaller versions of the trophy or not, their names will be etched on the big one for eternity.

Other notables for the evening include:


*Heather Paras would be the first player in MBA history to use bumpers as per the recent ratification to the Gutter Trash trophy rules. Using the bumpers for only one of her games, she told league officials that she didn't do any better. "They were kind of distracting." She stated. Next month, Phil Cadaver will get his chance to use the bumpers. There won't be too many players in the league who get four strikes in a game and win the Gutter Trash award in the same season. "Somebody has to do it." Cadaver said.

* Along with Sean Kuhl, Geoff Celis threw the first Hambone (4 straight strikes) of his career. This marks the first time in league history that two Hambones were thrown in the same tournament. Celis also threw a non handicapped score of 189 in game 2, which edged out Mike Dillon’s tournament high of 187, which he threw in last year’s Open.

Scandal!

*Score sheets were handed out for the first time via the Mediocre Stats Bureau for team captains to keep tabs on their lane members activities. Due to confusion on how to properly score gutter balls, Phil Cadaver was erroneously granted his first Gutter Trash Award for throwing 8 gutters while John Esposito threw 11, but was only listed as throwing 3 by his captain Kevin Rogers. “While we understand the mishap that occurred in January’s tournament while also taking into consideration that one of our league officials is against the practice, we believe in our members to do the right thing and learn the ways of scoring in the MBA.” Said one league official who used a voice changing box and wore a ski mask during his FaceTime interview. “The gutter column was the only issue, and we believe things will only improve from here.” Esposito responded to these comments on Facebook with “I’m going to bowl all gutters next time.”

This year marked the unofficial disbanding of the rebel group M.E.S.S. from the Caucasian Open.With their fearless leader, Todd Currier, not attending the event and one of their members making it into the Captain's group the protest fizzled. Ms. Frank still attempted to stand her ground by proudly wearing her hoops and bandana, and stocking her team with former members of the cause but even Mary Hanna's spanish rice could not sway her. When told she had to choose between protesting and competing for the "big" trophy - she chose to contend for the White Russian.
M.E.S.S. - Rest in Peace.

* Sara Frank would win the chapter’s 4th Dude Award of the season with a 122 event average, only leaving one more possible competitor for the 5 player face off in the inaugural Mediocre Cup Finals. “I’m so excited!” Frank said while kissing Jesus’ face on the way to the car. “This guarantees that I have a few possible things I can play for next month.” Frank joins previous winners: Matt Wilson, Rich Colletta, Jon Marotte as winners of the not-so-prestigious trophy.

*Mary Hanna and newcomer Steve Lombardi bowled in their first event of the season. In true lovebird fashion, they bowled in syncronicity. Hanna scored an 88 in both games while Lombardi scored a 91 in both of his. OMG Adorbs.

Do you really need a caption?

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Jan 19, 2015

Press Release: MBA Weighs In On "GutterGate"

MBA HEADQUARTERS – NEW YORK, NY

 Mediocre Bowling Association officials were made aware of a situation that occurred during an event held yesterday by the league’s Staten Island chapter.

 On Sunday January 18th 2015, at the Staten Island Caucasian Open tournament, chapter leader Dan Derwin proceeded with a streamlined scoring technique which was used for the first time after being approved by the league sanctioned Mediocre Stats Bureau (M.S.B.) Team captains were given lane score sheets to keep tabs on their respective teammates' progress throughout the tournament. This included, but wasn’t limited to, gutters per game and total gutters.

 At approximately 7:30pm, Lane 14’s captain and MBA member #45 Kevin Rogers handed in his team’s score sheet in which had been tallied by himself. While some of the player’s total gutters were only off by 1 or 2, MBA member #41 John Esposito had only been charged 3 gutters when he in fact had thrown 11. By the time the league had discovered the error the following day, the Gutter Trash Award in which he would have been rewarded for throwing the highest of the tournament, was instead handed out to MBA member #67 Phil Cadaver for throwing 8 gutters, which had been the highest amount tallied by the conclusion of the tournament.

John Esposito, who clearly kicked off his Caucasian Open with 6 straight gutters, would only be charged for 3 total after two games. He would finish with 11. Either his captain was trying to do him a favor or didn't want his teammate getting a trophy if the rest of them couldn't have one.

 According to MBA league rule 47.4.3B which clearly states “No trophy awarded, even erroneously, shall be given back to the league or to it’s rightful owner once the clock strikes 12:01am of the day following the trophy presentation, UNLESS previously stated by the league that the trophy is normally given back IE: Munson Cup, White Russian Trophy.”

 While the league continues to monitor it’s new scoring methods while simultaneously taking into consideration that this is Rogers’ first league infraction, the Mediocre Bowling Association has decided to fine Kevin Rogers $0.04 and also suspend him for 33 days. Rogers would next be eligible to participate on Sunday February 22nd 2015 at the Theodore Donald Kerabatsos Memorial Tournament at Showplace Bowling Alley.

 All money will be donated to the MBA Player’s Emergency Beer Fund

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