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Feb 10, 2016

Wrap Up: Who Won The Caucasian Open? (Team) I Don't Know(s)

It's not real guys...chill


“What’s your team name?” “I don’t know.” And a dream-team was born.

For most contenders, picking out a team name is one of the most exciting parts of the day. But for “Team I Don’t Know’s” they were focused on only one thing – bowling the best game of their lives.

But while their team name may have sucked, they were doing something right: they walked away with the goods. The 2016 Caucasian Open champions will have their non-name forever etched on the side of the White Russian trophy. “The name doesn’t matter,” Team Captain Geoff Celis said while being mobbed by his teammates. “We were so focused on the bowling, I’m surprised some of us even stopped to take a sip of our White Russians.” (Of course the official drink of the big event!)

It was reported that co-commisioner Hillary Scott had drank 12 alcoholic milkshakes
the day of the event, which may have contributed to her team ("Teamboat Willie")
losing STEAM (get it) and finishing in last place 

The action started before the games even began. Thirty-nine players attended the Communist Classic, which is the most mediocrity under one roof in league history. Locals in the alley bar bristled at the sight of the League’s most esteemed trophy yelling vociferously that the MBA was a league of “Goddamn pinkos.” Tensions were high.  “The bartender was visibly sweating,” noted Todd Currier. Witnesses would later say that he badgered her relentlessly for the perfect Cosmopolitan.

James Ciccone, after a two-month hiatus, reappeared to collect his 2nd place ribbon from the first event and lead his Team (The “Missed by a Hair’s”) into 5th place. “We thought we scared him away but no,” Chapter Leader Dan Derwin was heard saying to a few of the members between gutters, “so we’ll have to work harder today!” Ciccone’s third place slot on the Leaderboard makes him a major threat for the upcoming playoffs as long as he attends the requisite 3 out of 5 regular season events. 

Team Futurestar’s could be seen hanging their heads leaving Rab’s afterwards. Lead by previous event winner Sean Kuhl, his team of miscreants finished in a close 2nd place with a 131 average. “Sean & Tara (Meiners) were the only two keeping our team afloat.” Said Phil Cadaver. “The rest of the lanes called us Team FutureDUDS,” Dave Derwin sadly reported in a post-game interview.

Chapter Leader Dan Derwin coped with the stress of loss by screaming profanities when it 
became clear Team FutureSLURS wouldn't take home the Grand prize

But in the end, with a 133.2 team average, a crew that consisted of repeat winners Kevin Rogers, Leigh Janicki, Bari Reiter, along with first time winners Geoff Celis, Maggi Weaver, and Jocelyn Elliott dominated. “Team I Don’t Know’s” had the second highest Caucasian Open average of all time, placed directly behind 2015’s Team Pin Pals. None of this was by accident. Rogers, Reiter, and Elliott all threw their highest individual games in the tournament. “I was saving it for today” said Elliott. “I wasn’t,” said Rogers “…I guess shit happens.”

And so now, everybody know’s the name of the team that nobody knows the name of.

...but since there are so many people in the photo...nobody
ACTUALLY knows who was on the winning team...

Other notables for the evening include:

*Team Hard Drugs, captained by the 1st overall seed Mike Dillon, saw his team finish in a distant 3rd place with a 121.5 average. Speaking under the condition of anonymity, lane-mate George Karyczak mentioned how mutiny was openly discussed. “We were going to drag Dillon out to the parking lot and leave him there.” Insiders believe his below average play was the catalyst to the discussion. “He’s supposed to lead us,” Heather O’Shea said while nearly in tears. “What the hell do you call that 120 in Game 2?!” After a successful 2013 Caucasian Open championship, Dillon will have to just look to the future. “I still have a solo career to play for!” he said while holding an ice pack to a black eye.

*Leigh Janicki would win the 1st Dude Award of her career, along with the 4th out of 5 to be distributed this season. “My collection is slowly growing.” Janicki told the press from her car window, which was obnoxiously open by only a crack. “I can’t wait to put my name on the Mediocre Cup in March.” At press time, it’s unclear whether she asked the other current participants in the tournament: Diane Lawler, Margaret Salzillo, and Dan Derwin whether this was true.

Starstruck Vincent Fiore was completely distracted by local art legend Scott Lobaido's presence on the next lane...sources say Lobaido was at Rab's researching for an upcoming Bowling/American flag mash-up mural - only time will tell if our source (the Gennaro's pizza guy) is correct!

* Jared Reiter would not only win his 3rd ever Gutter Trash Award (12 gutters) but it would also be his 3rd consecutive. Heather O’Shea was the last player to win consecutive Gutter Trash Awards (2014 Caucasian & 2014 T.D.K. Memorial Tournament). Reiter, who refused to use his free bumpers pass earned with the first two trophies, will most likely refuse to use it again in February.  League officials plan on hitting the bumper button when Mr. Reiter uses the bathroom. “They’re just jealous because I’m winning all the trophies.” Reiter was overheard saying to his lane-mates at the Open.